CHAOS IN A NUTSACK

I am pretty sure every man I know has gone insane.

EVERY LAST FREAKIN' ONE OF 'EM

*please note names have been changed to protect the socially inept, pussy-whipped, and foolish*

Dude number one, let's call him Fred. Fred is divorced. Fred is needy. Fred wants very badly to be in a relationship, and Fred has no self-esteem it's very sad. Some woman he met on the internet is leaving her husband. She is moving 1,200 miles to move in with him. They have met twice in real life. She will be moving in next week. She told him she doesn't like the fact that he hangs out with me and my best friend. We are bad influences on him.

Goodbye Fred.

Fred has a cousin. Let's call him Ned. Ned hasn't even finalized his divorce and he is dating some 21 year old uncouth floosy who doesn't work and is just mooching off him. Ned is joined to the floozy at the pelvis. It's very disturbing but Ned isn't allowed to hang out with us anymore either. Fred tells Ned, his new fiance his a whack job. To which I say, "Hello Fred, Might I call you kettle, while I re-name Ned, Pot?"

Laters Ned.

My other friend--we'll call him Sid, has been married since he was 19. (Do we see a pattern here?) He is going through a divorce and also has a new girlfriend. Sid has no concept of what it's like to be in love. He freely admits he married his wife for ample nookie and didn't really love her. However, he is convinced this new woman is the shiznit. Meanwhile I hear stories. Scary stories. Stories that make me want to shake Sid and say, "Sid--you fool!! She is a harpie! I MAL-ADJUSTED HARPIE!" She expects Sid to drop everything for her. She accuses Sid of not loving her. She also tells him every two weeks he has been cheating on her. She also wants Sid to lie about who he really is to her parents. It's all horshit Sid--you can do better!! Sid is in therepy. His therapist tells him the same things I do.

I should start charging $150 an hour.

So long Sid--enjoy your codependence.

I have another friend. For identity reasons we'll call him Gary. Gary is a young free-weelin kinda guy. Gary has sworn to never-EVER- become involved in a relationship. He see's them as nothing but trouble. Way to go Gary! Gary tells me the other day, "I am sort of seeing someone now--we can't hang out anymore." WHAT THE HELL GARY!! ET TU GAR-RAY!? I am pretty sure--Gary, shackin up with a woman, is one of the signs of the End Times.

It's been fun Gary--give my regards to Babylon the Great and the scarlet colored wild beast.

Then there is Bob. (Another Divorcee - rah rah ree!) Bob was pretty happy being single for a while. He was sewing as many royal oates as he could. Bob developed a crush on a girl at where he worked. Once he finally worked up the courage to ask her out--she moved in one week later. Good times! Within six months they were married. Bob tries to say he was always into committed relationships. LIAR! How quickly the penis forgets.

Bob--you're a dipshit, sincerly-me!

What the hell is going on??

Is it a written rule among men that once you get steady pussy, allbeit demanding, angry, psycho, unemployed pussy, that you can no longer hang with your girly friends? Apparently so. What's up with that?

Why must you all give in so easily--and to such bitchy womenz? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD...HAVE ALL TESTICLE BEARING CREATURES BECOME INSANE??