So it's Wednesday night - I have a "date" with The Boy.
We're going to go to Music in Plymouth. A lovely open air concert at the nearby park. Not just any music but the Minnesota Orchestra is going to play at sunset followed up by some fireworks. How romantic is that? A pond, a park, camping chairs, some Dvorak, some snuggling, and fireworks.
We enjoy a lovely pasta dinner on a little outdoor patio. The weather is perfect. We're about four blocks from the park and it's 6:00. I notice people parking getting out with coolers and walking toward the park. Holy crap - this thing doesn't get going till nine and you already have to park four blocks away? We finish up dinner and make for the park.
Bodies everywhere - apparently my little suburb loves it's classical music. How heartwarming! Support for the fine arts is alive and well!
We pick our way through the crowd and find a little spot on the edge of the trees - near the pond - we're a ways back from the bandshell, but there is a brass band on stage and we can hear them loud and clear. We set up the chairs and just have a little chit chat. There are kids playing near-by. It's down right Rockwellian.
The stream of people is not stopping. Soon our out of the way spot is completely filled in by families. Aww - instilling a love of fine music in young ones. Everyone at this point is really chatty. Then the White Sidewalls take the stage and play some rockin Buddy Holly. There are people dancing and frolicking. The music is so loud even from this vantage point I have a hard time hearing my sister on the cell phone, but I am heartned. This is going to be good! Not only that the program explicitly states cell phones must be turned off during the ochestras performance and people are encouraged to keep noise to a minimum. I naively assume everyone will be watching with as rapt attention as my own.
Our position is now surrounded. We have a lively bunch of middle aged couples behind us - a middle aged bookish looking couple in front of us, a family with about 8 kids to our immediate right, and to our front right is a pack of about 10 teens. I eye the pack of teens with suspicion. If they get unruly at all during the concert I am going to kick some major ass. The kids are well behaved and play and chat quietly on their blanket. And well old people love classical music - they'll be well behaved for sure.
HA! And again I say HA! In very short order dear readers my good will and romantic notions are sucked from my very body - like a demonized oreck xl viciously sucking and attacking the fiberous shag of my very being.
The din of people talking is now louder and louder - it's barely audible when the m.c. asks people to silence their cell phones. Soon the crowd is on it's feet. The national anthem - that'll shut 'em up. And it did - almost. The middle-aged women behind us started giggling and gabbing about how awful they sounded singing along with opera singer.
Everyone clapped, sat down, and resumed talking. Hold the phone people! This is Dvorak - I know maybe not as awe-inspring as Peggy Sue, but let's at least give it the old college try what what?! The teens are actually chatting quietly, the bookish couple is trying to locate their daughter by talking into their cell phone loudly and flailing their arms at all points on the compas - the kids are now running amok beating each other with their mini-lanterns, but the worst - the ABSOLUTE WORST - are the gaggle of middle-aged couples behind us. They won't shut up! They're not just talking - they're whoopin it up! If the orchestra gets just a tiny bit louder the compensate by talking louder. Actually shouting over the music, "What'd you say? - Oh yeah - we had them over for a BBQ last week."
Fat man 1: "So when are the fireworks?"
Fat woman 1: "At ten"
Fat man 1: "This goes on for an hour?!"
Fat woman 2: "Hey we're getting some culture!"
Fat man 2: "But you can't even hear it"
Fat man 1: "I bet they're miked"
Fat woman 2: "It's an orchestra"
Fat man 1: "Yeah but look at all those speakers - it's miked, they just need to crank up the volume."
Fat man 2: "Yeah but you'll be able to hear the 1812 overture just fine"
(Well actually no fat man 2 - you see the really familar part of the 1812 overture is just the last minute and half of the movement - you'll all be talking throught the first ten minutes. Too bad my psychic abilities weren't that honed at this point in the discussion or else I would have said it.)
Fat woman 1: "I hear maracas!" *castinets play in the background*
Fat woman 2: "Oh yeah I hear them - isn't that kind of blasphemous?"
Fat woman 1: "What are you doing?"
Fat man 1: "Playing my air maracas!"
*Unianimous laughter*
Fat Woman 2: *Begins slapping her fat leg and singing along* "Dum dee dum dum dee dee dum"
I grit my teeth.
I quickly look at the program. Ahh - the music from E.T. is next. Maybe they'll behave if they can recognize the score.
Ha! Again and again I must say HA!
E.T. starts up and this is the converstation to ensue:
Fat Man 1: "Wooojjj - Wooojjjj"
Fat Man 2: *chuckles* "Star wars! You sound just like a light sabre!"
Fat Man 1: *now encouraged begins a mini-jedi battle with himself* "Wooojjj - Wooojjj - Woooooooooojjjjjjjj"
Fat Woman 1: "You know the Lord of the Rings movies? I just got the CD soundtrack to the 3rd one - oh! I could just listen to that over and over and over again."
Fat Man 1: "LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER!"
Are these people serious? At this point the teens are better behaved. These adults are on par with the pack of 8 year olds vying for the award of people who annoyed me the most tonight.
More chatting through the 1812 overture. The cannon is the only thing that gets them to shut up for 3.2 seconds.
Fat Woman 1: "Ohh I know this!"
Fat Woman 2: "Dee dee dee dum dum dum! Dee de Dee De Dum DUM DUM!" *puctuates cannon noise by slapping thigh again*
The final thirty seconds of the song...the home stretch they have been in fact somewhat silent for it...
Fat guy 1: "Wow that sure is loud!"
Fat guy 2 "Yeah it must be miked."
I slowly pull the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and grind my teeth, but I am sure no one can hear it over the thunder thigh sing along of the 1812 overture.
The children have now gone completly apeshit. It's the WWE of tot fighting. A boy picks up his sister and hurls her screaming into another boy. The littlest one beats her brother upside the head with a teddybear and occasionally an "Ouch!" scream follows the distinct slap noise of a neon light tube necklace on young flesh. Their parents and guardians all recline and continue to talk on their cell phones.
Were we always this rude as a society I wonder? We can't have always had the attention span of goldfish. It's not just kids with a.d.d it's baby boomers - flitting from topic to topic - unable to sit and listen silently for more than a minute and half. Is orchestral music just too taxing for the average American to just sit back and enjoy?
The orchestra leaves the stage - there will be a laser light show followed by fireworks. The park and bandshell lights turn off. A hush falls over the crowd.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! DARKNESS MAKES THEM GO QUIET!
Apparently Plymouth is inhabitted by a rare form of bird people. If you were to throw a blanket over their cage, or in this case head, or just turn out the lights they would fall silent and quickly fall asleep.
Now I remember lazer shows from the mid-90's at Valleyfair. Jilted jerky glorified screen savers set to 40 second blarring music bits. I'm happy to inform you, dear readers, that lazer shows have indeed NOT improved or advanced in any way, shape, or form. They are in fact as crappy as you remember them to be.
The crowd however goes wild for the playlist. What inspires them more than Dvorak? Allow me to enlighten you - sit back, agast if you like - it worked for me:
Kung Fu Fighting, Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy, Your Love is Like a Roller Coaster, The Hustle, Freebird, Pinball Wizard, YMCA (people were actually doing the arm gestures in the dark) etc.
Now I'm not knocking any of these songs. They're fine. But this is what quiets people into hushed revere? When did the Hustle pull such rapt attention?
Fat Woman 1: "Now this is good music"
The boy and I exchanged glances and burst out laughing. She was serious! The 1812 oveture was crap - THIS was good music.
The crowd went wild after the thumping baselines went away. Thunderous applause for this masterpiece of ...I don't even know what it was...it was mindless and mashed together. I think the lazer people pick whatever songs they can easily animate with lazers. You guessed it roller coaster was a roller coaster image, the Hustle was a little lazer figure doing the Hustle, and Kung Fu Fighting was little robot figures beating the crap out of each other. AWESOME!
I am not a music snob. Not by any means. I enjoy all music - and I am actually capable of sitting quietly to enjoy it in all forms and genres. Regardless of if it's accompanied by flashing lights and synth. Maybe that's why the lazer show is so popular. It's like big TV...mmm...tv!
Then the geniuses shot off the fireworks behind the trees. I saw some of them, but mostly from my vantage points the trees were simply glowing and emitting loud bangs.
Romance - you evade me yet again. Good taste you're a slippery bitch for the people of Plymouth. Someday I shall have my vengence on you all. That's right you little thigh slappers - someday!
Wooojjj!
Wooojjj I say!
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