The following is a movie review of the latest horror flick Dark Water. If you want to see it - I encourage you not to - PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SAVE YOUR $7.25 - there will be some spoilers in this post, but if you've seen the Ring One or Two it's been spoled for you before you've even gone into the theater.
Worth noting is that it was infact written by the same man, Koji Suzuki, who wrote the Ring. I liked the Ring. It was creepy - it was an interesting twist and it was far more psychological than blood and gore. There is that element of what makes people behave the way they do - what would you do, etc. with that added creepy element of "Where do ghosts fit on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?"
From imdb.com:
Plot Outline: A mother and daughter, still wounded from a bitter custody dispute, hole up in a run-down apartment building. Adding further drama to their plight, they are targeted by the ghost of former resident.
Here are the obvious problems with the movie. It's slow as hell - it doesn't just set up the characters, it beats you over the head with them. Neurotic Mommy with her own abandonment issues, trying to be a better mother than her own was, cute vulnerable kid who gets creepy looking as she plays with "imaginary friend". We get it. We could have got it in ten minutes really because this is how every horror movie is set up lately. We didn't need 40 minutes of build-up. I'm pretty sure the only scene they left out was Jennifer Connoly filing her nails while her daughter watched t.v. It's that enthralling people!
I had the potential to care about these characters except a.) We've seen them before in movies and b) the movie treats me, a viewer, as if I am still unable to get them - here's 20 more minutes of build-up.
But it's build-up for something that NEVER COMES! The creepiest they can get are some leaky pipes, dirty water, and running children feet in the apartment above them. That ain't creepy people it's called my apartment.
Ohhh and horror of horror - there is creepy long black hair that comes out of the pipes into her drinking water. Hmm...where have I seen this before - oh that's right - THE RING!
Another terror inducing moment - an unbalanced washing machine with dirty water seeping out. OH MY GOD!!
I get what they are trying to do - is mom crazy, or are they being tormented by a ghost tennant? I get it - no really I do. Seriously I GET IT! But instead of leaving it open for the viewer to decide I think it weighs too heavily on the side of - "oooh creepy ghost child!" Who by the way - not that creepy. I mean if buck front teeth scare you (a la David Letterman) then yes - she's horrific.
Sidebar: Can we quit with the creepy child being effected by ghost babies?! It's been done, and while I am a single 20 something - and therefore terrified of children in all forms and find them all to be creepy and unsettling - I think Hollywood can quit with the spooky kid motif. (Sixth Sense, The Ring - 1 & 2, Hide and Seek, Amityville Horror, The Grudge, etc) Can't we just get back to the psycho killer genre?
Elements totally reused from the Ring: Kid has scary communication with dead kid, draws spooky pictures, it rains a crap load - never a sunny day, lighting leaves mom looking haggard and dirty, creepy ghost kid wants to be real live kid, water, mystery pubes (really scary and universal fear so I understand it's importance), dead ghost kid's body found floating. But wait - it's totally different she was in a water tower - NOT A WELL - Completely different!
In Conclusion: Since we have the Ring 1 and 2 already I will dub this the Ring 1 and 1/2 (Sort of like the Lion King Franchise). It's basically - ooh what if Rachel (Naomi Watts) had given in to Samara and just loved her and taken care of her like Samara wanted all along. Well now we find out. It could have been a good dream sequence in the Ring. Rachel could have woken up to resolutely decide - I'm gonna kick some serious ghost baby ass!!
Unless you're like me, without air conditioning, don't waste your time. But if you could use a good 1 hour and 55 minute snooze in an air conditioned theater - go for it.
My remark as I walked out the theater "weak"
The man sitting in front of me, his remark, "That was horrible"
Consider us your new Ebert and Roper.
3 comments:
Shitty movies scare me more. As does Jennifer Conolly. I don't know what I was thinking...*sigh*
my only question is..........was the man in front of you the boy?? :p
No - it was not the boy - he simply sat in stunned silence. His eyes wide in his typical "WTF" stare.
Later he said, "That movie made me mad". LOL. It was the childlike way he said it that made me bust my gut.
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