I know many of you dear readers look up to me for my maturity, my wisdom, and dignified repartee. I regret to inform you it's just a carefully crafted hoax and I am nothing more than a 5th grader trapped in a 26 year olds creaky body. Allow me to elaborate.
I came to this realization after going to see the Body Worlds exhibit last night.
First of all I would like it duly noted that on Friday night, a.k.a "date night" - I went to the Science Museum of Minnesota with my heterosexual life partner - and we closed that bitch down...oh yeah - we could have left at 9 or 10 like the other pussies with their crying children - but oh no...we're hardcore. We were there until they kicked us out at 11. That's PM bitches!
First some notes from the mature and critical thinking part of my brain, for you lay people - the little part in the back by the squishy stuff.
It was cool. You go in knowing these are real bodies - and yet while looking at them, they don't seem real. Of course while you are taking the "oh weird I didn't know that" aspect - every once and a while you realize again this is really human flesh and not a resin model.
There is a debate now as to if this is science, art, or sensationalist shock schlock. I guess if you're freaked out by the human body and its biological functions creep you out - it could be shocking for you.
As for the science vs. art - I think it can be both. For Renaissance artisans science was an art. I guess I don't feel the two need to be separate in order to retain their value. For me it was interesting to see things from all sorts of different angles and cross-sections. Ways I would never have thought of looking at the human body.
It's about as hands on as you can get without getting your own cadavar to play with. As a kid I remember having The Invisible Woman. It was neat to take her apart and put her back together again. This reminded me a lot of that pure questioning and "ah ha! so that's where the pancreas goes" moments.
I don't know that I learned a lot, but my appreciation and understanding of our niffty little human bodies has changed.
However, some things never change. Like the fact that Becky and I should not be allowed in public together at solemn or dignified events, art exhibitions, or any place where families and children might congregate.
Now on to the larger portion of my brain which is filled with vile, crude, and immature thoughts...
First some observations from the underdeveloped portion of my brain.
1. These people are all short and have small feet
2. This is the kind of weirdo shit you expect a German to dream up.
3. 95% of the bodies have blue eyes - RACISTS! I can only recall one having brown - but there may have been more I missed if I was distracted by pubes, nipples or testes. But I still stand by my 95%.
4. What's up with all the testes? I believe I met my lifetime quota of cross-sections of testicles last night in one sitting.
5. Human meat looks a lot like other meats in your local market, and plasticized meat looks like teriyaki jerky.
6. "Organ Man" - did have an impressive organ - if ya know what I mean *wink wink*
We opted for the audio tour. "Jeff" was our helpful tour guide. He was spunky that Jeff was. If Jeff had really been there he probably would have been uncomfortable during the large argument that flared between Becky and I as to if they were re-attaching the eyebrows. She said yes, I say no - but I did waver towards the end...maybe they were eyebrows? I still hold that it's completely random that you would remove all skin and hair but then hot glue the eyebrows back on. But again - those crazy Germans just might be bold enough to do it.
I think Jeff would have approved of us making friends though. We always make friends wherever we go. While I think parents fear us, we must give off the vibe of having selective tourettes, old people LOVE us!
One old lady stopped to have some serious discussion of nasal cavities with us. Another older gentleman approved of Becky's explanation of fluid sacs in the brain and how you can spot MS because of spots in those sacs. Yet another old woman stopped to ponder with us if you got a sense of who the body was while it was a live.
But the best was our discussion as to if the weird lumpy mass in the female body was an ovary or not with a woman who had the good fortune of standing behind us!
"What is that?"
"I don't know"
"An Ovary?"
"It's only on one side though"
Female Stranger: "That's awfully big to be an ovary"
"Maybe it's an over-achieving ovary?"
"What's that you say, an Ovaryachiever?"
She laughed...it was good. We bonded - but we still have no idea what that weird thing was.
Now you're thinking - that's not that vile! It's sort of cute. Old people like you.
Oh wait it gets better.
We developed our own game. Early into the exhibit while pointing at different body parts Becks was kind enough to point out the anus.
And I gave the normal response anyone would have.
I high-fived her.
For the rest of the night we had a rousing game of spot the anus. Whoever spotted it first got a high five from the other.
Another high point was I heard a faint whisper of, "meat curtains"...I wasn't sure if I had accurately heard what I thought I heard, "What?" I queried.
"Dude...meat curtains!"
And when I looked into the display case below me - low and behold there were indeed meat curtains.
At the giant case for the "Runner" (a body that's posed as if running - and the muscles are exploding off the body) I was able to explain my life-long fear that if I ever ran that would happen to me - thus my sedentary life was a safe choice since science doesn't lie, and obviously if you run your muscles really can explode off your body.
I'm sure in the baby portion we made friends with everyone in the room with our exclamation of "Dude - alien babies"
Perhaps one of my favorite moments was with the cross sections of a full body.
"Awww...saggy old man ass."
"It is! Did you see the front?"
"No"
"One word: pubes"
(excited, but measured steps towards the front side of the body)
"eeee pubes"
The grande finale saw us standing before "The Hurdler" A body leaping over a hurdle. And for some reason, I suppose since we had cross-sections of testes all day we got the double whammy; cross-section of testes AND penis!
This inspired another profound, "Dude!" and his re-naming.
Sure to you he may just be "The Hurdler" but for us he will always be known as "Napoleon Blown Apart"
It was by this point nearly 11, and I'm sure if Jeff had been a real guide instead of just an audio guide he would have thrown our asses out for sure.
Instead we just snickered our way to the car, lamented the fact that we don't have our own reality TV show, and were thankful we didn't go see it with our parents.
We would have been grounded for sure!
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