Suicide

Suicide is a tough thing for me. I get it, and yet I dont. At one point when I was a teen I was pretty positive it was a viable life choice for me. The only reason I am still here is because I didnt swallow enough pills. On that level I understand the pain someone can be in to get to that point.

On another level, from the standpoint of making it through that dark spot in my life, I dont get it at all. Ive had bad days since then, but Ive had some pretty great ones too. Beautiful things I never would have experienced, that I would have cheated myself out of, not to mention how I would have cheated my loved ones out of the happy free spirited person I became.

Im faced with the crossroads of feelings about suicide again. A gruff but loveable friend made a choice yesterday to end his life. It was the wrong choice, no question. He left behind friends, family, and most importantly a six year old son who loved his daddy very much.

I can sit here and smile about the contradiction he was. So rough, so rude and vile, and yet such a great big heart.

I can sit here and be so pissed off at him, for doing this to his family.

I can sit here and giggle about all the good times I remember about him. The countless times he made me laugh until it hurt.

I sit here and I feel that pain. Pain of old memories of where I was once. Pain for my dear friends who lost someone important in their lives. Pain that he must have been feeling in that snap decision to do something so permanent.

But mostly as I sit here I am just filled with sadness.

Jim you were a dirty old bastard and it was all part of your charm. You had your demons and that was part of your appeal as a human whod been down and out who still struggled to stay sober. You had a furious temper, and an infectious cackle of a laugh. I will remember you fondly because you were always good to me, but right now I am still angry with you and I cant believe youre gone.