It's Genetic

It has come to my attention that I am a lot more like my parents than I want to admit. As a teenager my mother used to say to me, "The reason we don't get along is because we're so much alike." I then most likely slammed my bedroom door, or peeled out of the driveway in my bitchin' Lincoln Mark VII. In my 16 year old brain my mother could not be more different than me.

However, over the years I realize - I am becoming my parents. A weird amalgam of Howard's quirky random sense of humor and "meh - it can wait till tomorrow" attitude, and Dianna's insecurities and desire to destroy furniture.

Actually, the destroying furniture thing might just be a predisposition from that whole branch of the family tree. First let me say we don't actually set things ablaze, or smash them with pickaxes. No, we're just talking about a handy re-purposing. Basically we're the type of people who ensure that great grandma's chifforobe is rendered utterly valueless in the eyes of people who appraise such things on Antique's Roadshow. My aunt once took a Sawzall to the front of her dining room table so her knitting machine would attach better to it. That's right, her knitting machine.

We are the people who paint your woodwork and faux paint your headboards to look like granite. We are the people who spray painted your light fixtures with Krylon Stone Faux Finishing Spray. We also stenciled grape bunches on your dresser with glitter enhancements; that one we do regret. Flee in terror!

I am cruising craigslist right now for a buffet. No, not the kind that heats food, as my sweet husband drooled over questioningly, but the straight up old school wooden dresser looking thing that sits in a dining room.

I have this idea, see - I have this "shelf" stereo system, purchased just the other side of the this millennium which roughly translates to it's huge, silver, and unsightly. But the sound is great! It was one of my first "grown-up" purchases I made, and while I realize Target probably sells something for $150 dollars that is sleek, the size of a notebook, with speakers the size of small apples, and mp3 compatible - I'm just not ready to let go. If I get rid of this shelf system, then I have to get rid of my tapes. Yes - it has a tape deck, and frankly I just don't think I am ready to part with the cassette versions of Silverchair's Frogstop, and Soundgarden's Superunknown. Yeah kids, I'm old and as you can see, I have a history for holding on to dinosaur technology because I could have bought CD versions of those albums, but no - tapes! Why would I buy tapes? Because goddamn it, my family was too cheap to buy Disc-man's and instead we had Walk-man's.

But I digress. So I have this brainchild of a brilliant idea. Instead of junking this thing, and my precious tapes, I am going to buy a buffet! Yes a buffet! It will cleverly conceal my ugly shelf-system. And it will only need a few mods. (This is where the "destroy furniture" aspect of my scheme starts to roll.)

How did I get such an awesome idea? Because back in about 1985 my mom tricked out her grandmother's buffet to cleverly hide her record player. See, there is a theme here for saving technology that is on it's way out, but cleverly disguising it so no one knows your shame. She had to rip the bottom drawer out and saw down the sides so the record player would fit inside, but it did.

So you clever readers might be saying, why not use that buffet? It's already been compromised. Well, I would - but see there is a heat register where I want to put it, so I want something on tall legs. The legs on this particular buffet met their end back in the early 70's when my mom sawed them off and she painted it bright blue. (It is back to the natural finish, but still too stubby for my purposes.)

So there you have it, I have the urge to go demolish a buffet, just as my foremothers did before me. I know that as long as I get a good deal on the buffet my mother and aunt will be there with me - power tools and contact paper in hand for our next masterwork, and when we're done we'll survey our handy-work and cry out "IT'S ALIVE!"





Bonus Craft Stories -
My mother, aunt, and grandmother also melted records in the oven to create interesting "wall-art". Things like "fumes" can't be worried about when crafting is on the line.

Back in the 60's my grandmother got giant puff-balls (see below) and spray painted them with metalic engine paint. (Classy) Then accidentilly set these bitches on fire with her cigarette, and nearly burned down the old farm house. So I guess that part earlier about we've never set anything on fire isn't true.

Just remember kids, crafts can kill.