Mawwiage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...

I'm not gonna lie. Being married is awesome.

For all the crap you hear about how hard it is, "the old ball and chain", and how scary divorce rates are; it's still totally worth it.

The one bummer about marriage is it ruined my blog. I got married and suddenly I got happy. Happy blogs are boring. Roll your eyes, but search your feelings, you know it to be true.

The heart of all great stories are some form of conflict.

Man vs. Nature
Man vs. Self
Man vs. Technology
Man vs. Giant Squid who Slept with His Mother*
*but used to be his best friend

All classic themes in the greatest stories of all time.

Who wants to read a blog from Susie Sunshine about how she's been blessed by the baby Jesus, and just made the most out of this world peanut butter blossoms for her book club?

Puke.

I realize I have become of a bit of a Susie Sunshine. I got my man, I got my house, I got my happy. I don't want to read that crap, nor write it. I was much more entertaining when I was single and pissed off at the world, and had horrific dating stories (in fact, that's probably the best part of all about being married - not having to date horny losers who have mommy-issues).

But where is the conflict? Where are the train wrecks?! There is a reason people watch soap operas and it's not to see the people live happily ever after.

However, I still want to write. I just realize I have to find different things to write about. My available pool for material has changed, and I need to re-find my voice. Recently, while the desire to write has been strong, the persistent thought has been, "Meh - no one wants to read that."

But I'm still me. Just a different and more content me. Sure that may have tempered my perspective. It is still my perspective - and some people find that funny, helpful, or mildly entertaining (mostly I like hearing people find my blogs entertaining. Not going to lie. Huge ego stroke).

So here goes. While it may not be as exciting as a story about meeting a guy for coffee who whips out his wallet to read off of a recipe card all the medical procedures he's had to date (that his mom wrote for him)*, it will hopefully still be entertaining in a different way.
*True Story

Mawwiage.



I realize it's not for everyone. I know it's not easy. It's a total adjustment in your thinking. But if you can do it right - it's like an endless slumber party with your favorite person. Sure, now you have to buy your own refreshments, but you don't have to sneak them in the cart when your mom isn't looking.

I feel like I lucked out. I found someone about as much on the same page as me as anyone could be. Sure we may argue about the semantics of a particular sentence, but for the most part we're still laughing at all the same jokes. And the jokes that make us laugh the hardest are usually fart-related.

The other great thing about marriage is the closeness. I like it. I can see how for some that might feel confining, or restrictive - but I enjoy it. The familiarity is something I've always liked the most about any of my most cherished relationships. A hug, a hand squeeze, a raised eyebrow across the room, a slap to the butt, a pat on the head.

Speaking of farting and head patting...

Tonight I'm sitting at my computer, not feeling great - working on a serious cold. I have the strength to facebook and that's about it.

My sweet husband stops by my desk, kisses me on the forehead and pats me on the head.

I smile - my heart warms and I forget my cold for a brief moment...

and let out a nice long and low rumbling fart...

Duration a good 15-20 seconds. Wind speed 4 knots. It's the kind of fart that could be mistaken for an outboard motor whirring in a placid summer lake - perhaps even a Minn Kota.

My perplexed spouse steps back two feet, raising his hands in surrender, with a questioning look in his eyes. He gives voice to a rather stupid question (it's ok, as his wife and life partner I can now easily (and legally) identify his stupid questions), "What was that?"

I look at him adoringly and say, "You made me purr, baby!"

"Did I relax you that much?" he says with an astonished grimace.

I lean back comfortably in my chair and look at him a little sly and flirty and then reply...

"Oh jesus that stinks"...

...but not without a little bit of amazement and excitement at the prospect of my sense of smell coming back.

My now thoroughly horrified husband adds, "That really is not the answer I wanted in response to that question."

And after it all - I realize, this poor bastard still loves me.

In sickness and health.

That's love.

That's our marriage.



Tonight my parents came to our house. They are going to help us build a deck this weekend.

My mom is my contractor. Her years of home ownership and willingness to sling power- tools and "build it myself" attitude make her an excellent candidate for the job. That, and I can literally pay her in chicken nuggets*.
*That's cheaper than sweatshop wages.

She'll also serve as our referee and lifeguard during our first major home project to ensure we don't kill each other. Be it on purpose or on accident.

She and my father have been married 43 years. At the 40 year mark my father offered perhaps the sweetest assessment of their relationship he could muster,

"Wow - 40 years. (dramatic wistful pause) Almost makes that 'till death thing seem doable."

If only Al and Tipper had also had that sort of touching conversation...things might have gone differently for them.

I will always look to my parents as an example. Or warning. I guess you could use either noun depending on the situation.

For example: My mother rattles off some suggestions of how we should use 2x6's instead of the Home Depot recommended 2x8's so we can get the right height, and clearly demonstrates she's got this deck building thing figured out. At her impressive display of knowledge my father appraises his intelligent and savvy wife by nodding in a satisfied way and says, "I guess you're right. For once." Warning.

This of course is just a large joke between them because my mom is pretty much always right. Not only because she usually is factually correct and a smart lady, but because she is the wife.

That's also marriage.

In another classic old married people moment, or perhaps in a more classic old Howard moment, we were discussing tomatoes, as you're prone to do in Minnesota in June.

"Your mom planted some little orange tomatoes called Sun Sweeties."

My mom continues on with her plotting of the deck we plan to build without even looking up and corrects, "Sun Gold".

"yeah - what did I call them..." he pauses, but not too long for her to interject again and continues on anyway..."Anyway. They're a 7 on the barkley scale."

He says it in a tone that seems to indicate that I know what a 7 on the barkley scale is. Doesn't everyone?

Apparently, no one knows what a 7 on the barkley scale is. The barkley scale, as far as I can tell, does not exist except in my father's anecdote about the tomatoes my mother planted.

"It's a 10 on the brix scale" is again corrected by my mother - but this time she stops what she's doing to put a steadying hand on my fathers shoulder. A clear signal of - 'just quit'.

"Yeah" he concludes his tomato story by pointing at my mom and nodding vigorously as if she has just confirmed his statement about the barkley scale instead of acknowledging she's just completely corrected him.

This teaches me two important lessons about marriage.

One: it's good to take an interest in what your spouse does - even if you can never clearly explain what their weird-ass hobby is, or what weird-ass tomatoes they have planted.

Two: It's important to listen. He listened to my mother about her tomatoes. Sort of. And she in turn listened to him completely mangle whatever she originally told him about the tomatoes.

My father always tries to take an interest in my mom's flowers and vegetable garden. I recall once being about 16 sitting at the breakfast table with my parents. Mom was quizzing her pupil, my father, by pointing at the house plants around the room.

Dad: "Ficus."

Mom: "Yep."

Dad: "Azalea?"

Mom: "Yes!"

Dad: "Chlamydia!"

Orange juice rocketed out my nose.*
*True Story - and it burns.

"NO! Howard! Cyclamen!!"



I guess that teaches me a third lesson. He tries. Which teaches me I must always put forth effort in our marriage, and never give up.

Howard never gives up. Tonight while we made our way into the restaurant he again began an impressive display of naming all the different plants in the landscaping outside the restaurant.

"Well, he got Phlox right" my mom said to me in an aside.*

*Lesson Four: You don't have to call out every fault about your spouse, but it's ok to make sure at least one person in the party is aware they've mucked up.

I've taken all these lessons to heart and try to work them into our relationship.

The Following is a True Story.

I always try to take an interest in my husbands interests. But sometimes it's hard. I'll ask an innocent question like, "So Green Lantern - what was his deal?" and I start to listen. I even ask some questions for further input. But inevitably I've asked a question that is resulting in getting more of an answer than I need...

and then it's like I have a mini-stroke...

because suddenly a warning goes off in my head.

Sort of like the check-engine light, only it says "Husband still talking".

An "Ahh-woo-ga" sounds and the light blinks a few more times and then my brain storms in and says - "where the hell have you been?"

And I look down at my shoes sheepishly and say, "I - I don't know..."

And then my brain says - "That's not good enough!"

And I say - "I'm sorry!!"

Then my brain says, "No time for sorry! We can still save this, but only if we work together and act fast - what's the last thing you remember before you took your side trip into oblivion?"

And then I have to confess to my brain that the last thing I heard was "Green Lantern has a powerful ring, and there is more than one Green Lantern"

And then my brain does a quick calculation of how long it would take my husband to make that statement and just how long I've been away.

And then my brain and I both know - we both come to the same conclusion...

"Ahh shit."..."It's been too long - more was and is being said...data is lost - the jig is up!"



I think I'm going to view this as a growth point for myself as a person and for our relationship. I can work on my listening skills. Or - I can take a page from Howard's marriage playbook and just make shit up.

Joanna's Book Report on The Green Lantern:

The Green Lantern is a comic book character of great importance in the DC Universe. Batman is also a DC character. The Green Lantern has something to do with space and possibly an illumination device. First invented in 19-something by Coleman, the green lantern often helped campers in the dark woods. The primary power he wields is a ring. He has a twin and when they touch rings he can turn into a bucket of water. The ring is possibly made of kryptonite which is also green. In conclusion, a green lantern can be a cost effective way to light your home.

Whew! Nailed it!


So yeah, maybe I don't have this marriage thing totally figured out yet.

I guess I may not have used "my words" to appropriately sway my "audience" to my original statement that marriage is awesome, but I am excited by the possibilities that marriage brings.

Not only the possibilities for the relationship itself, but for our lives together and as individuals when we are apart. Not to mention the possibilities for new blog material.*

*If you're cool with fart jokes I am fairly confident I can offer up a ready supply of new blogs on a regular time-frame.