From the Howard Vault

So for the past two weeks I've had no phone. Well that's not true. I've had a phone but it was basically a brick - constantly searching for signal and draining the battery, put on charger, repeat every 6 hours.

I don't know why it took me two weeks to get to T-mobile to have them look at it. It was probably a combo of several factors.

• I hate phones
• I never use my phone
• I kept thinking if I turned it off and on, one more time - it would start working again
• I hate phones
• I never use my phone
• I hate tech support even more than I hate phones
• I thought I could fix it myself.
• I never use my phone

I did narrow down that it was the sim card, not the phone -- and so went in today - said, "I think I need a new sim card" and two and half minutes later, I had a working phone again.

*sigh*

Should have done this 12 days ago.

Anyway, the only people I really talk to on the phone are my parents. So I thought I should give them a call in case they've been trying to reach me and unable to.

Realized the number for my mom is now lost to the old Sim Card -- never saved it as a new contact - still rocking her old number - which apparently belongs to Verizon now.

Ranty aside on how technology has ruined my life -- holy balls  my mind has become Swiss cheese. It dawned on me if I ever lose my phone, the only numbers I would be able to call would be Gabe's (it took me two years but I finally memorized it) and 911.

Operator: "911 what's your emergency?"

Me: "Help - I lost all my phone contacts, and don't know how to call anyone now."

/ranty aside

So I can't call Mom, but no worries - Dad still has the same old number - I'll call him.

The following is pretty much  verbatim our conversation:

Dad: Hello?

Me: Hey Dad --

Dad: yeah!

Me: I haven't talked to you in a while so I thought I would check in...How are you?

Dad: Your mother is with your aunt. They are looking at getting fuel assistance.

Me: oh

I think he does this because he knows the drill. The first call goes to mom, if I can't get her, call two goes to dad.

Dad: I took Logan for a walk today - and now I am out on Ken Storm's lake...Lake Maria, Mariah? I'm fishin!

Me: Oh, well, that's cool.

Dad: Trying to get sunfish!

Me: well be careful - people keep falling in the ice around here - and it's like 50 degrees out.

Dad: Oh nooo - we got 10 inches of ice, no problem!

Me: Well, I'm just sayin'

Dad: Nah!

Me: Ok - I just wanted to call because I've been without a phone for two weeks, so I didn't know if you guys were trying to call me or get a hold of me, so I wanted to call you...

Dad: I lost my maggot.

Me: What?

Dad: I lost my maggot.

Me: Did you say you lost your maggot?

Dad: Yeah - I had it in my mouth, when I answered the phone it must have fallen on the ice.

Me: ...Like a real one or pastic?

Dad: Real.

Me: Wow - that is so gross...

Dad: Well I don't bite down on it.

Me: It doesn't matter - that's gross.

Dad: Dang it - I can't find it.

Me: I'm so glad I called.

Dad: Yeah - your father's so cheap he's searching the ice for his lost maggot.

Me:Yeah that's not really where I was going with that - I still can't get over where you hold them...god, I hope you just lost it on the ice...

Dad: Well you could put them on your pants, but then they blow off -- and you lose them on the ice. But if you hold them in your mouth - you can't lose them. 

Me: Unless you answer the phone apparently...Wow...so anyway -- I don't have mom's new phone number, can you just have her call me?

Dad: Sure! If they are in your mouth - it warms them up too. Makes them more active.

Me: ugh - really?

Dad: Nope - I'm just kidding about that.

Me: I'll not disturb your fishing anymore -- 

Dad: Guess I need a new maggot.

Me: Ok - talk to you later.

Dad: Holy Maggots Batman!

*click*

Yeah - he hung up on me, not the other way around. I was still too stunned to respond to his Lone Ranger-esque sign-off.

I just don't even know what to do with this information.

In other news - if you tried to call me -- oh say around New Year's, you most likely did not get through. I have a phone now. I think I have most of your phone numbers. But if you want to call and leave your own story about the crazy shit your dad says on the phone, I would love to hear them.