I'm thexy and I know it.

When I turned 30, everything physically has turned to crap. Apparently that's the 50,000 mile mark for humans because it's just been one repair bill after another and I'm no longer under warranty. Yup. I'm so old now, my blog has changed from wild and crazy drinking games I invented to bitching about my sciatica.

My latest medical moment that reminds me "the old gray mare just ain't what she used to be" has to do with neck and shoulder pain. I carry a lot of stress in a convenient 8 inch swath from shoulder blade to shoulder blade just below my neck. For some reason the past few months this is getting worse and worse.

I can tell what time of day it is based on my headaches. It must be three o'clock because it feels like tiny imps are tugging at my optic nerves. Super! Yesterday in my peripheral I thought I saw smoke coming out of my car door, but after a closer look it was actually just dancing grey polka dots in my vision. That can't be good.

I've also developed lock jaw. Ok not REAL lock jaw - but my jaw has been so damn tight I literally stood from desk yesterday and had to open my mouth to relax it. I couldn't just will myself to relax my jaw, I had to do a restart and open my mouth. I once woke myself up recently clacking my teeth together. That can't be good either.

So I am going to go see a Chiropractor. I probably need glasses too. I have not scheduled these things yet because doctors offices and clinics make me what to leap from my skin and run screaming for the hinterlands. It's irrational fear, but it's mine. So I will cuddle it, and name it George.

In the meantime, I have a mouth-guard. To sleep in. Did you know such things existed? I did not. I was envisioning having to go to Sports Authority to buy a sports one, but apparently they sell them at Walgreens for other teeth grinders, such as myself. So I bought one yesterday. It's not as bulky as a sport guard, but I had my doubts that there would be any way I could sleep with it in, but I was just desperate and tired enough to give it a try. I also was looking at some readers to help with my vision problems, but decided walleye vision was probably something that would make my headaches worse. I did see a neon green tiger pattern cane, and will be adding it to my Amazon wishlist later.

So last night I put on my pj's and fitted my guard to my mouth. Gabe came to check on my progress.

"This thing ith thuper weerd. I don't think I can thleep wit in my mouf"

Gabe: "Sorry what was that?"

Me: "Ahh thit, I thound like Thindy Brady too!"

Gabe: "Say Saskatchewan!"

Me: "Thasthatchewan"

Gabe: (Laughing so hard he's doubled over)

Me: "Do you think I'm thexy? Would you thext me on my thell phone if I was thearching for thasquatch in Thathatchewan?"

I may have made Gabe pee, you'd have to ask him.

Once he'd composed himself he gave me a sweet kiss and we finished getting ready for bed. I turned on my humidifier. I arranged my heating pad for my shoulders. He fluffed his orthopedic neck pillow and put on his Cpap. I don't think these are the electronic devices Cosmo has in mind that you bring into into the bedroom; c'est la guerre.

P.S. I did eventually fall asleep...and my jaw does feel better this morning.