Telling Details Exercise

I fall into bed spread eagle. I know Matt said to do it on the floor, but what can I say, I’m a rebel. Also, after today, I need a soft place to land. I’ve got feelings on top of feelings. Feelings I didn’t know I had. Not just feelings of the heart, mind, and soul, but feelings of the body. A body I have not been friends with for a long time.

My dog climbs into bed with me. He kisses my face. I feel his body wiggle in a joyous full body way. I call it his s – wiggle. His whole body wiggles in an s shape and the corners of his mouth turn up so much you’d be kidding yourself if you didn’t think this was a smile. He’s happy I’m home. I’m happy too.

I try to ignore him because dog kisses though heartfelt are pungent and are killing my attempt at mindfulness. He gives up and instead flops next to me. I feel his warm little body in a ball at my hip, but he slowly stretches out along my upper thigh. He is warm and supportive. It reminds me of our yoga exercise of leaning back to back with our partner. Warmth and soft support. I can feel his warm doggy energy buzzing into my body. He’s radiating love and happiness that we are together again. He goes in for the kill and rests his head on my knee and lets out a long deep sigh. I sigh too.

I feel a tightness in my lower back and in my neck and head. It’s slow thrumming and pounding. My brain is a swirl of possibility and emotion. I haven’t felt this much creative flow in so long that I think it’s made me dizzy. I want to right write it all. Suddenly every idea I have is worth exploring. It all sounds good. Instead of dismissing it – I’m seeing it as possibility.

I’ll take this ache today. It’s a good ache. An ache I know I can overcome by just being present for it. Acknowledging it. Being wholly present as I feel it pass through my body and finally let it go. These aches are different than the ones I felt yesterday.

Yesterday there was a heaviness in my heart. A tightness in my throat. A ball of nervous knotted up heat in my gut. And inexplicable tears threatening to erupt at the slightest provocation. Those feelings and sensations are gone now. My heart and chest feel open. Maybe I’ve pushed the sludge in my chest and gut out into my back and head. Moving them up, out, and around. The sludge must not be all gone yet, but there has been a shift. I can feel it. I am ready to do the work to push it all the way out.

Things that are new are so scary for me. What age was I when new things meant excitement? Where did I lose that part of myself? I hope I can clear out the junk to make a space to find that me, because she was fearless. She was cooler than she knew. I never told her I appreciated her and I miss her.