The Dazed Text

And on the fourth day Dog created fermentation and he said, "Look what I have wrought - it makes the albinos happy - and it is good". But soon there was much regurgitation throughout the land. Prayers were offered up the the most holy of porcelain.
Ho-seeya 7:5


Dog is a loving dog. He wants his followers to be happy. That is why he created Beer, frozen mugs, and Wisconsin. It's also not hard to imagine that Dog likes to have laughs at our expense.

As well known social scientists have pointed out in many respected journals, not worth mentioning at this time, drinking makes us more attractive to the opposite sex, smarter, better dancers, wittier, ultimate fighters-impervious to the assults of bouncers, and drinking is a time when we must tell our brothers and sisters just how much we love them. Ad nauseum if need be. As the good book tells us, "Repitition for Emphasis". Also increasing your volume to do so is also a good idea.

Sometimes we get carried away in our day to day drinking. This causes spins and nausea. This is Dog's loving way of making us pace ourselves, and if we are unable to do that it creates an oppourtnity for he and his other followers to laugh and rejoice at our most holy state. We can always be assured however that they are laughing with us and not at us.

Vomit is a cleanser. It takes dirty and pollouted foods from our body. The effects of drinking too heavily, commonly referred to as a "hang-over", should be considered a time of reflection. A time to offer up a prayer to Dog. An example might be, "Please Dog - let me die. I want to die - make the spinning stop!"

It can also be a time to renew your faith to Dog and make promises you have no intention of keeping. Such as, "Please Dog, if you take away this headache and make the dry heaves stop I promise I will donate all of my worldly goods to orphans in Tanzania."

It should be obvious to us now that Dog wants us to be as attractive and fun as possible, and that is why he has given us malt beverages, fine drinking establishments, and Germans. Do not squander these blessings. Instead consume! It makes Dog and your liver happy.