The Awful Truth About Me

I've been doing some serious looking at my life this week. It all came on as sort of happenstance. I haven't done any serious "who am I, what do I know, why am I here" thinking in a long time. Random things in my life, sparked by one conversation Sunday night have led me to some conclusions about myself.

I don't really like them. I kind of get the sense I am not the nice happy go-lucky person I have often precieved myself to be. It's hard sometimes to take that long look at yourself and realize you've been kidding yourself.

The most important realization I have made about myself that started this whole spiral of forcing me to be honest with myself is that I am a quitter. I have never really acomplished anything. I'm not talking about the daily stuff of "whoo hoo I did the laundry" kind of accomplishments. I am talking about things I am passionate about, interested in, care about - I quit. Just give up on. People, things, passions, myself.

I have yet to come upon why I do this. Fear of success? Fear of failure? Inborn lazyassedness?

The first thing I can think of that I never saw through was Ballet. I gave up on it - and I loved it! As a kid, it's how I saw myself. As a dancer. As soon as it became a little bit tough (the dance studio in my small town closed and moved two towns over to a bigger locale) I quit. I knew it would be hard for my family to cart me around so I just said, "nah - it's not that important" and let it die. While I realize my 5-4 frame was not Broadway or Bolshoi bound, it is still something that bothers me I gave up on. Something I got so much pleasure from I just let slip away so easily.

Painting. I wanted my mom to teach me how to paint with oils when I was about 9. I still have the painting of an apple that I started. Sometimes my mom will tease me and pull it out asking if I am ready to finish it. I love painting and drawing. The only pictures I have ever finished had a deadline of a class, as a gift, etc. I have dozens of pictures and drawings - undone, untouched.

Books. I have 2 "novels" I started to write. Up to chapter two or three - but not going anywhere. I don't know how they end, and probably never will.

Golf. I was on the Golf Team in middle school for all of two weeks. It was all preppy popular girls and just me and my nerd girl friend. My nerd girl friend said "screw this" and so alone I stuck it out three more practices - and also said, "screw this". (Actually not too broken up about this one - but still).

Speech. All through middle school I was on the speech team and kicked major ass in Drama. As my entrance to High School came, I decided to switch to Humors and got my ass handed to me. So I quit. I now realize it's a large, difficult catergory - and I was only 14- facing off against acomplished 17 and 18 year olds - but at the time, all I could think was - I suck. "Screw this!"

Pets. I have a dog who lives with my parents. A dog I wanted so bad, and loved so much - I left him to live with my parents. I now have a cat that is destroying my apartment. This week I have toyed with giving her up. I love her, she is good when not shredding my carpet and furniture, but I can't say I won't give her to someone who can take better care of her.

Diets. Never seen one through to the end. Started plenty. Never even lost a lot of weight and then slowly gained it back - just never lost it in the first place.

College. I have one fucking math class. ONE. I have not finished it - therefore no degree, therefore a shitty job that garners no respect, nor should it - I am a glorified input monkey. I'm so thrilled I spent four years of my life, and several thounds of dollars, sacrificing my time and energy into something I don't utilize at all - in a job I could of got straight out of high school - no experience needed.

Faith. I've lost it - not sure I ever had it. I sometimes wonder if I have given up on that because it's too hard to believe in an all-knowing being that could possibly give a flying monkey shit about me.

Friendships. I have more than a few friendships I have let shrivel up into nothing. For a long time I blamed other circumstances, but that's not toally true or accurate. If things got sketchy, I got sick of their whining and emotional drain, or just sick of watching them make the same mistakes over, and over, and over again - I quit. Instead of being a good friend, I gave up. I waved the white flag and walked away.

I am sick of myself. Sick of my self-loathing, my sarcasm, my defeatest nature, my self-wallowing, wah wah - boo hoo, I don't think I can ever be happy with "good enough". I don't settle - I just out and out quit. It a horrible trait I despise in others and yet harbor in my own heart.

And the epitome of a quitter - I have wanted to shuffle off the mortal coil by my own hands on more than one occasion. Thought about it way too much, and at one point, ages ago - tried and failed. It was a lameass half-hearted attempt via "pills". And when I woke up, all I could think was "Jesus, I don't even die properly."

I have also taken the time to compile of list of everything else evil about me in an attempt to get all of it. All the horror, all the dark secrets I hate to admit even to myself.

I laugh when people fall down

I watch way more TV then I claim to

I often find great literature to be "crap"

During Easter when they have the peanut butter or marshmellow choclate eggs, I walk along and pop them, crushing them and wrecking them for ususpecting people who purchase them

I enjoy a lot of reality TV

I have never liked Sonic Youth

I think modern art is "crap"

I've slept with a lot more guys then I claim to have.

Old people and children scare me and make me nervous

I can't taste the difference between Miracle Whip and Mayo

I enjoy trashy novels

I "dislike" people too quickly and for stupid reasons

I never remember to wear my seat-belts

I never say "Bless you" when people sneeze

I've faked orgasms

I've picked up things for purchase decided I did want them and just put them back anywhere

I've told people it was "Nice meeting them" when it was a total lie.

I don't get why people think babies are cute

I'm way more closed-minded then I like to think I am

I don't like maccaroni and cheese

I have a strong urge at this very moment to go eat some lil' smokies.