More Stories From "The Good Land"

Part 5: Tales From a Bus

As detailed previously my family has plenty of chuckles from my aunts misadventure on a Milwaukee bus. I now have one of my own.

A day spent at Summerfest gets old after a while. Only because I was not drinking and all the men, women, children, puppies, and flowers were. Despite what drunks think they are in fact not cute. I had about all I could take of crowds and beer being spilled on me, so my albino twin and myself were going to call it a night. We left our other festers and decided to take THE SHUTTLE! *horn flourish*

We have never been to Milwaukee before. We counted our selves damned accomplished because we knew the name of our hotel and figured that would be good enough for us. Since there were several busses all stacked up we thought maybe they went different routes. Figuring everyone in Milwaukee must also fall under the general umbrella of Midwest Nice we thought we would ask a security guard.

The Twins: "Sir, where does this fine shuttle go?"
Guard: "Down Wisconsin Avenue."
The Twins: (dumbly stare at each other for a bit) "We're from Minneapolis - will that take us anywhere near the Wyndam downtown?"
Guard: (huffs angrily and proceeds to ignore the twins)

Well this was startinf off nicely!

Luckily another more stumpy and less red faced security guard told us that in fact we could get to the Wyndam if we just got off on Water Street and hoofed it a few blocks.

Jolly Good!

We were off in a magical puff of diesel smoke. Chatting about the days events, laughing, taking in the sites of Downtown. Chat chat, giggle, chat, giggle giggle.

Me: "Oh hey that Boarders Books looks familar, I bet we are getting close"

Chatting, giggling.

I have now noticed they don't annouce stops on this shuttle. People are just randomly getting off, or tugging the stop request pulley to get off.

Chat chat - stare off into space - chat.

We come to a stop and the bus now totally empties. Whoa! Where's the fire my fine Cheesy Breatheren? There is one lone passanger left with us. A handsome little nerd boy who's pasty flesh makes me feel instantly at ease. So I ask my fellow pasty human: "Is the next stop Water Street?"

Pasty Human Figure: "Oh god no - we passed that ages ago! The next stop is 13th."
The Twins: (In Stero) "crap!" (giggle)

The last man gets off and the bus driver gives us the stink eye.

Me: "Yeah we missed our stop"
Driver: "Where ya going"
My Twin: "Water Street"
Driver: (Hangs head in disgust) "That's a LONG way back - I ain't driving back there!"
Twins: (In Stereo) "Oh we can ride again - it's no big deal, we'll just make another loop!"
Driver: "No I'm not going back to Summerfest."
Twins: (Ominously this time) "Crap!"

The driver gave us some vauge instructions to wait by the crosswalk (didn't really say which one and last time I checked there were four) and catch a bus in the opposite direction.

In a hissing belch of diesel he drove off. I don't think I am editorializing when I say he did so in a righteously pissed off manner. My faith in the kindness of midwest strangers was rapidly evaporating. Apparently these Wisconsin bastards have never tried Minnesota Nice - maybe too many cheese curds had cruded up their nice valves.

Twin: "Maybe we could walk"
Me: "I think we're really far from where we need to be - and frankly I don't know which way to walk"
Twins: (in stereo) "CRAP!"

A sweet older lady from out of nowhere can obviously see we are lost and asks where we are headed. With trepidation we tell her, knowing she's gonna be disapointed in us too - as if somehow our failure to understand the streets of Milwaukee has left us to be judged as complete tards, Water Street.

Old Lady: "Oh no! You're far from there!"

She then went in to a long rant of how our Bus Driver was a liar. In fact he was going back to Summerfest - he must have just hated us. In fact he did head back toward Summerfest. I shook my tiny fist at the Gods of Milwaukee and cursed their damned buses of doom!

But then the kind old lady told us to wait on the other side of the street for a bus to take us back. Just then a bus was pulling up - the three of us sprinted into traffic like hyperactive children escaped from their tethers. She quickly warned us NOT to get on this bus - we wanted a 20 or a 30, but not a 15. My faith in Wisconsites was being rebuilt thanks to this old lady and her mysterious plastic bag that must have been filled with goodness and kindness.

We tried to wave on the bus driver - fearing him to be as evil as his LYING counterpart.

Driver: "Where ya headed"
Twins: "Water Street"
Driver: "Oh yeah - that's a ways from here, but get on - I'll take you"
Twins: (Nervously) "You're not going to drive us into the country and leave us like lost puppies are you? You'll really take us to Water Street?"
Driver: "Sure!"

We explained to him our trials. He confirmed our suspicions when he said, "Oh he was just a shitty driver."

We got to our destination and asked which way we would need to go from here to get to the Wyndam - right or left - no North or South crap!

Driver: "You'll want to take a left here and then go about 20 blocks"
Twins: (stunned gasps)
Driver: "Just kidding - it's up four blocks on your left."

In fact it was! Right across from the Laverne and Shirly Tower!! My faith in the kindess of Midwesterners restored I slept well that night. I had not let public transportation beat me - nay I harnessed it and rode it like some lumbering mechanical slow moving diesel belching mustang!

Part 6: Behold the Power of Boobs

I have boobs!

Since they are the only exciting and sought after part of my body - sometimes I like to show them off a bit. Let the puppies get a view of the world. Share the pillowy bounty with those less endowed than myself. However, I have never really gotten a reaction like I did in Milwaukee. Apparently this is a town that appreciates a fine beer as much as they appreciate a fine set of fun bags.

While forcing my way through the crowd at Summerfest I overheard the following conversation.

Man 1: "DAYUM!"
Man 2: "Those is some big boobs!"
Man 1: "MMM-Hmm!"

I was so giddy I almost wanted to walk past them three more times. Sometimes it's fun to be objectified.

The next day while seated at a resturant patio a small boy no more than 7 walked past our table. Again - I was showcasing the flesh orbs when I hear the boy shout "BOOOOBIES"

Part 7: Random Moments and Final Thoughts

Over the weekend there were some memorable moments. Too many for me to recount here due to lack of time, space, and memory. Drinking really does kill brain cells! Here is a small collection of random memories from my trip

- Running down the hallway with my albino twin and both of us getting the trotz

- Calling our friend Gabe to confirm what the term "felching" means. Upon
discovering it could be either slurping up your essence from your partners orrifice, or using your anal cavity for housing for a gerbil Christy became confused and assumed the gerbils were spelunking in the anal house for the desposit of essence. "How do they train them to like the taste of that?!" she asked with a confused and horrified look on her face.

- Maxwell Bishops amazing rendering of ZZ Top complete with wild tongue flicking

- While walking through the loby I decided to demonstrate to my comrades just how bouncy my boobs are by bobbing to maximize the jiggly factor and announcing "Check this action out!" just as a guest service clerk passed us and got a full view of my magic trick

- Also the moment my twin nearly floored herself by thawcking her head against the ceiling beam while exiting the stage after singing "Summer Love" with Maxwell Bishop.

- Being a back up dancer or "Fly Girl" if you will while my twin did an amazing cover of "Baby Got Back"

- When ordering a sandwich for a girl who was a little pukey in our party, our drunkest friend steps up to the line to take things under control. "If I know her (which he doesn't really) she would want the Veggitarian Number 12" (Number 12 being a turkey sandwich).

- Waiting for my twin in the bathroom I have a very alzhimery conversation with our drunk friend. She comes out to join us and he says, "So we're waiting for Christy?" "No Christy is gone - we were waiting for Becky - and she's here now" "oh!"

- Our other friend was hungry and wanted Pizza. Becky opted to eat the sandwich leftover that no one wanted. When Pizza could not be ordered due to the ungodly hour - he said, "I guess I'll have the sandwich"

Becky: "Dude I ate it. I ate it while I sat in front of you - talking to you - looking at you - and EATING IT!"

Now here is the classic line that will echo through the halls of time -

"Did you think I pulled a turd from my ass and ate it?"
(Complete with hand gestures - cupping of invisible turd and chommping action)


All in all it was a great trip. Many stories from the Good Land, new friends made, old friends made fun of, hillarity and hijinks all around. Whatever I failed to lay down has been forever lost in the murky fog that is a alcohol induced memory zapper. If you are not French Missionary I suggest you visit anyway. Take in the sites, enjoy the lake view - try the public transportation. And say to the driver on the #15 bus and then scream "Booooooobies!" out the window. You'll blend right in.