Furballs

Ok - so as you all know I have a cat. Because I posted it here, you know she pooped in my bed. Well things have gotten worse. She's shredding more things, now peeing in my bed, on clothes, in the closet, on the couch.

I tried getting kitty herbs to calm her down when I'm not home, cleaning everything with cat odor elimiator (stuff that's supposed to knock out the smell for powerful kitty noses too), stuff that's supposed to calm her by sparaying it in the air. I came home Tuseday - wet spot on my bed. I ripped everything off, sprayed it down - did laundry. I don't even know what set her off this time. As far as I can tell - she did it WHILE I was home this time.

I don't even like leaving my apartment anymore for fear my cat will go postal and get a whim to dig her way to the garage. However, if I'm not gone more than a couple hours she seems to be ok. This is how I am going to live my life?! By never traveling more than 20 mile radius from my home?

Wednesday night I came home. We had a good game of "Get the string" - followed by head scratches and treats. I then went out to dinner - came home - to find a fresh wetspot on my bed. I'd been gone exactly an hour and a half, and did not violate the 20 mile radius rule.

This was now too much. I can't do laundry every night and obsessively spray down every fabric surface in my apartment. Pets are supposed to provide companionship, and help us relax, and be able to inspire to follow their example of just being able to kick it. In exchange for that - we care for them play with them, and hopefully make their short time on this planet a happy one. Our pets are not supposed to stress us out, depress us, and be our every waking thought.

I was apparently not making her life a happy one. She was obviously stressed because I am not home enough for her tastes. I don't know what switch clicked in her kitty brain to cause her to behave this way the past two months. I wish I had a kitty thought tranferance helmet so I could find out what was freaking her out - and then tell her to knock it the fuck off because I'm not going to abandon her.

Thursday do to the advice I had recieved from everyone that I try locking her in the bathroom so she can feel secure in a small space - and if she does freak will not be able to destroy - as much. She shredded some towels, pulled the floor rug in my hall through the bathroom door, shredded it, and pissed on it. I came home to a scared and howling cat. This was obviously not a good day for kitty. I sat with her and held her and cried my eyes out. I didn't know what else to do for her. Nothing was working. We'd both become to stressed out now.

I cuddled her all night - it was all kitty attention all the time. I knew what I had to do - been thinking about doing for a couple weeks, and wanted to make our last few hours special together.

She had to go back to the shelter. We were obivously not a good fit for each other. Either my jobs hours, something in my apartment, whatever was stressing her beyond belief and the only way to relieve that stress was by emptying the kitty bladder on all my earthly possessions. I don't really think she was doing it out of vengence. She needed a family who would be home with her more than me. Since I don't know what to do for her to make it better - this is the only thing I know to do for her. Find her a better home.

We slept together. I thought perhaps we'd be ok. However - once I woke up in the middle of the night, I passed my couch to see she had shredded it, and peeded on a blanket that was on it. I cried all over again. Not for the blanket because now she was doing it when I was at home, after the most intense kitty love session I could offer her. She'd also pissed in my closet - again - things were still wet. It was settled. She had to go.

I cried all morning at work. Luckily it was friday and I was alone in my cube. I had become a pet abandoner. The type of people I hate most. I felt evil - cruel, and like I was giving up. Not doing enough for her. I hated myself more that morning for deciding to go through with it - then I've hated myself for a long time.

But she had to go - and today. The next week I was going to start working at the library again and be gone for 12 hours a day. Her behavior/condition was obviously worse - this was not going to make it better. I had come to the conclusion - people go looking for pets on the weekend, mom and dad are home with the kids, and have some time - so maybe they'll head down to the shelter and look for that pet junior has always wanted.

I came home - and she greeted me. Like she always did. She was purring and brushing against my legs. This is why she frustrated me. She appeared to be such a "good kitty" - a normal sane, kitty. But somehow when I wasn't home she was disturbed. I bawled some more. I had failed her.

I cried the whole way back to the shelter. She was freaked out because she hates car rides. Somehow I got the idea to start singing to her - since that had calmed her before. So I pulled it together, and started softly singing to her. She calmed down - and the last few miles to the shelter we drove peacefully.

I thought I was composed until I went to the surrender area. I was doing ok - but every time I heard another cat meow, or looked in the cage at her cowering little figure I hated myself more - and started to cry again.

I am the worst pet owner - ever. She was so scared of being abandoned. And this is what I was doing to her.

I filled out the paperwork - explained what kind of home I thought she would need, what kind of home she had with me. I gave the girl her kitty string. Her most beloved posession was a string I had accidentally yanked from my sweatshirt one day. We'd play with it for hours. She'd drag it around the apartment with her. I told them it was her favorite game to play and she promised it would go with her to her new home.

It was done.

As the girl took her out of the cage and cooed about how pretty she was - I knew she'd find a home with no problem, with people who can be home with her. This shelter has a special policy that pets can stay as long as they need. As long as she doesn't be come aggressive and bite - which she won't - she can wait as long as it takes to find the special family to take her. But I'll be bothered for a long long time by the image of her big scared blue eyes looking up at me as they put her in her cage. It was her biggest fear - I knew it - and I did it to her anyway.

I am definately going to hell for this.