Somewhere in America there's a disturbed PBS viewer.

Adult Toys. Consider that your warning. If you're faint of heart, have some shred of hope that I am a decent person, or are disturbed by the topic - leave now.

If you're a sick little voyuer carry on.

Good times!

About six months ago I got a card in the mail. From Julian the adult film star. He was begging me to fill out the return card so that I might have a free subscription to the Adam and Eve catalog. If I hurried he'd make sure I recieved 50% off my first item purchase, along with many special gifts. Julian it seemed, really cared about me. It was so much pressure. It was a decision that had to be made quickly, or I would lose out forever!

Now mama didn't raise no fool. I've learned two important things in life - one is never pass on 50% off, even if you don't really need it, and never say no to a man hung like a clydesdale.

I was shaking with anticipation checking the YES! box. The bold lettering and exclimation point was orgasmic to even look upon. Imagine what treasures were waiting for me!

A few months passed. I must be honest - I was unimpressed with the selection. Nothing really lept off the page at me. Nothing! I was warned that due to shipping costs this would be my final chance to capitalize on my 50% off and they were cutting me off from any more catalogs.

Then the next letter said - LAST CHANCE!

And then - HURRY! ACT NOW!

And finally - SERIOUSLY WOMAN - NO MORE SMUTTY CATALOG FOR YOU!

I finally found something that seemed intriguing. The Ultra 4 Thruster! It came with the supersonic clit licking beaver!! And it was purple!!! Plus I would get free porn, and a secret gift! oooo!

In only two weeks I had my new toy. I must admit it was a little overwhelming. 4AA's baby! It was also bigger then I expected. It was a official. I was a ho-beast. There would be no mistaking this monster for a back massager. Oh no! This did not look remotely like a toothbrush holder, nor egg beater, nor kirby vaccum attachment. This is quite obviously meant for violating girl parts.

Which leads me to my first bone to pick with the Adult Toy Industry. This is a girlie toy. There is no dual purpose or cross-over market. I mean I guess there could be if the clit licking beaver became a taint tickling ant eater...but lets me honest this is a girl toy. The package was pink, but the cover model was a sassy little girl, topless, in her smart cotton "I might still be a teen" panties. She was also a little cross eyed - but what bothers me more than her raging case of strabismus was that this was a GIRL - on a GIRLIE TOY BOX! This was no simulated chocha toy - this was a plastic man part toy that's pretty darn realistic looking except for the color ... the demographic is going to be hetero women. Why can't they find a nice burly boy toy on the box? Something to give me to think about. Know your audience people! It's the first rule of marketing!!

My next complaint for you lust workers is that my secret gift was a mini bottle of lube. Not even flavored. It was kind of a let down. It didn't seem that secretive. I would have preferred a vibrating fortune cookie - THAT is secretive.

My porn was entittled 21 FORBIDDEN Sex Acts. This is where my final complaint rests. Not with the acts, nor porn in general. I feel I should take a moment and preface the rest of this paragraph with: I am not making this up for laughs. I have been known to embellish a bit, yes that's true - but I'm afraid this is truth. And sometimes truth is a lot funnier than an old man falling down a flight of stairs. Since I did not want the image of a Strabby Sally burned into my brain - I popped in the porn. Free Porn! FRESH Porn!

I was greeted by a blurry image of an Asian kid. A black and white photo montage of Asian people. And there was a narrator. MY GOD! This wasn't some Asian fetish porn at all - it was some PBS documentary about Japanese Americans.

I popped the disc out. There was clearly an 80's porn woman in a bikini on the front with teased out hair proclaiming 21 FORBIDDEN SEX ACTS!

I scratched my head. Put the disc back in. Still Asians in the depression...hmm...my little brain starts to reeling. Maybe, just maybe, the sex acts or so forbbidden they've hidden the porn inside the documentary - I watched 8 minutes of fast walking Asians, more photo montages, some stock footage of WWII...goddamn it - this was a documentary!

At this moment I would like to put a call out to anyone who ordered a PBS documentary about Japanese Americans, but instead found themselves watching 21 Forbidden Sex acts - I think I have what you're looking for.

Despite all this - those crafty people over at Adam and Eve have given me $5 off, more porn (probably an oscar winning foreign film prading itself as porn) and a FREE ($20 value) Pocket Rocket if I ordered in the next five days.

The Love Cuffs will be here shortly. It's a vicious cyle. They'll send me more coupons and lube...will I ever break the cycle?!