I have just watched possibly two of the crappiest movies of all time, and have enjoyed myself immensely. It was like our own personal MST3K experience.
The double feature started off with “Flesh Eater”.
A nice zombie flick. I’ve never seen main characters killed off faster in my life. They were dropping like flies. In fact – 25 minutes into it all the characters were dead and now zombies so we had to see new characters so we could kill them too! And then more – and more – the blood bath was amazing! It was a fresh cast ever ten minutes. Fresh meat for the slaughter!
The acting was horrid, the lines terrible, the acid wash copious, and the sound nice and grainy and obviously dubbed in later. And boobs! Did I mention boobs? Total gratuitous nudity! In fact it was a great PSA for abstinence because the moment you try to get your freak on in the barn you’re so going to get killed. Forget babies or STD’s fear the zombies that apparently flock to the sound of a fly unzipping or bra rustling to the floor.
Then our second movie was “Ricky Ho – The Story of Ricky”. It was a classic Chinese Futuristic Kung-Fu Prison flick. You know the kind –
It taught me that capitalistic bastards make prison life hell, beware the opium dealers and tough peter pan looking gang leaders, and just say no to eye mints.
It’s got really deep allegorical themes. One might even be able to see Ricky as a Jesus figure for our modern age. A Chinese Ass-Kicking Jesus figure that will punch through your guts if he thinks you’re not on the level – yet he doesn’t like violence. An important lesson for us all I think.
Not only is it crappy dialogue, it’s crappy dubbed dialogue with even worse subtitles that don’t match the dubbed dialogue! It’s totally sweet.
Not to give too much away – because I know you’re all going to rush out to get this on your Netflix list, but there is an impressive meat grinder scene that would make even the most hardened USDA inspector shed a little tear.
The movies sucked – but I’ve never laughed harder in my life.
Mad props to my homies Mark and Maurice – beer didn’t shoot out of my nose, but almost. Maybe next time?
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