burns with the heat of a thousand herpetic lesions.
She is hot – I’ll give ya that, but your ability to consistently be naked in your films does not equal great talent. Sorry.
That’s neither here nor there, but it was a sentence uttered during this holiday season. How, and why? Well because I spent it with my albino twin and our long lost half-cousin’s brother’s triplet, or something; Gabey Rottencrotch (it’s his porn name).
It all started with an orgy of epic movies. Anything at the three hour mark or above was on the list. There was much pajama wearing and little to no showering – Febreeze sponsored our sloth.
We did manage to clean ourselves in order to go to Church. That’s right. Church!
Midnight mass to be exact. I know some of you just got dry heaves thinking of organized religion and are probably wondering what the hell a couple of sinners like us were doing in a Cathedral. Well honestly I don’t know. I thought for sure they’d smell the pre-marital sex on us. The priest didn’t even hiss or sizzle when we shook his hand. I’m not really why we go. We went for the first time last year. It was a bit of “oooh naughty” moment for us. For me, this year, it was just about being part of something bigger again. Feeling that elusive holiday spirit I’ve never really felt in my life before. Oooh and pretty lights!
This year we went to the Basilica in Uptown. It was really pretty inside. I think I probably am a little too cynical or humanist and ungodly in my thinking but when in these giant religious structures I can’t help but think – “Holy crap – people can do cool things”. I realize art and architecture in churches is about inspiring the Divine on earth, but all I can think of is the divine in some talented humans is - amazing. It doesn’t really inspire me with “God gave them gifts” but more a feeling of inadequacy and a faint aftertaste of jealousy.
This year we got candles! Fire, lots of hairspray, faux fur, and a paper program make for heart-racing action. At least for me anyway because I always picture awful scenarios that could happen to me because I am a klutz and have rotten luck. Like setting my polyester shirt ablaze – streaking fire down the aisle, knocking down alter boys and elderly parishioners – taking down a couple holy relics as I throw my head in the holy water font. It could happen. And I would blog about it here for your enjoyment.
Anyway – it was fun singing Christmas Carols and looking at all the pretty candles dotting the rows in front of us – and soft glow bouncing off of everyone’s happy faces.
Last year at the Cathedral in St. Paul wasn’t as much fun. We wanted to try communion but were afraid to get thwacked with a Bible upside the head in some sort of Oliver Twist denial move.
“Please sir, may I have more body of Christ?”
“No!”
Whacka! (The actual sound leather Bibles make on foreheads)
It was sort of an advanced Catholic course that neither of us had really crammed for. The Basilica was far more inclusive. They even had printed directions in the program for us heathen noobs.
My twin pointed it out to me – and whispered “Do we dare?”
I’m sure my eyes got huge. Oh man – could we do it? Could we pull it off?! I was not convinced but did have a rush of feeling naughty…maybe it was Holy Spirit – but I have a feeling it was my nerd girl religious rebel side getting titillated.
The time came for the cruton-o-christ. The Holy wafer Batman. Every row was filing out to get in line for the snacks. There were no stragglers or conscientious objectors. We would look foolish to wait behind…so we got in the line trying not to twitter and look too obvious as non-believers. I took my Jesit in hand and placed it in my mouth.
Oh my god – every comedic thing people say about it sticking like wallpaper paste to the roof of your mouth is true! I didn’t get much time to work the tongue action before it was time for the wine. I don’t know why but this proved difficult for me. I didn't know if I could tip the glass myself – cuz God bless him that dude wasn't tipping enough…I did like a half-crouch nursing calf maneuver – and then was worried I was taking too long and people would think I was getting greedy with the boozage – and then it finally sloshed in my mouth in one big glug. I didn’t even get a chance to try and gargle the sacrament off the top of my mouth.
“Is it in bad taste to chew the Christ Chex?”
“I think you’re just supposed to let it dissolve …”
We weren’t sure what to do. I was a little panicky that I was going to have Lord stuck to my mouth for the rest of the eve. I think I was supposed to be meditating on the sacrifice of Jesus while on my little knee bench instead of praying for some dental floss – but what do I know – I’m a heathen.
For some reason at approximately 1:15 on the morning of December 25th our formerly Catholic mothers simultaneously got full body shivers they could not explain.
Christmas Day we made monkey bread and had sausage, cheese, and egg fondue. The pajama movie fest continued.
So that was Christmas…
Before New Years Gabe came over and we had a co-ed slumber party. We had just bought the lovely book/game Who Would You Do?
It asks such intriguing questions as “Which Golden Girl do you want to see do a pole dance?” It was unanimously Bettie White.
You have to make it with the entire cast of Will and Grace – what order do you do them in? (Will, Grace, Karen, Jack, Rosario).
It’s an all-star orgy. Invite five celebs, five people you know, pick a location. (This one was a toughy)
Also create your new cybersex screen name. Use your favorite position, body part, number, and town in any combination. (Doggie_Boobie_Fertile13 (yes Fertile is a real town in Northern Minnesota)).
Thanks to this question Gabe was able to teach us about the Skeletor position a.k.a the crowbar. Apparently it’s a maneuver only for skilled/hung porn stars where it appears he “crowbars” the girl with his huge dong while doing it doggy style. There is bending. I’d draw a diagram – but think of the children!
Heather Graham or Martha Graham? Well I think you know how the title of this blog came to be born now, and my feelings on the subject.
You’re playing naked twister and “Left Butt Cheek Red” comes up. You’re going to topple over – who’s face do you land on? Ashley Judd, Gwen Stefanni, Julia Roberts, or Janet Reno? (If I am leaving a snail-trail on anyone’s mug let it be Janet Reno!)
The ultimate question that nearly killed us all due it causing a comedic chain of events hitherto never witnessed before…
“Keep it All in the Family: Who would you do Archie or Edith Bunker?”
Beck: “I can’t do Archie. He’s far too angry.”
Me: “While I love and respect Jean Stapleton as an actress I am pretty sure there is no way I could do Edith.”
Beck: “Oh I could.”
(Slight pause)
Beck: “With a strap on”
(Thinking a moment)
Beck: “If it was long enough I could crowbar her”
I proceeded to laugh so hard no noise came out…I was wheezing slightly – rocking back and forth. I think it was timing and look on her face that sent me into a laughing fit.
I had finally recovered enough to catch my breath – there was a moment of silence – I paused to sip my soda - when Gabe totally ripped ass.
Soda – spewed out my nose and on to the comforter…I am now laughing and choking. I don’t want to spill more soda on Beck’s bed – so I go to stand up…trip on her fan on the floor and fall off the bed.
Now Becky is laughing so hard she nearly rolls off the bed backwards and almost pees her pants. This makes Gabe lose it – and well…it was the most solid pure five minute laughter I have ever encounterd in my life.
*sigh*
I think you had to be there. As is the case with most of my sayings and humor…but man – if I had set my hair on fire at Christmas Mass – that’d have been a good blog right?
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