Randumbness

If I were a rapper I’d be a sassy diva rapper with mild cross-over movie success with Eugene Levy and my name would be Queef LaTeisha.

I miss fun disease names. Give me liberty or give me rickets! Life is just an Ebola full of cherries. Why don’t we ever get to hear about the whacky flesh-eating virus anymore? And of course my personal favorite – Monkey Pox – transmitted from unsafe love of primates. Avian flu – bah! That’s not very imaginative at all.

Every time I see Leonardo Dicapprio in a bomber jacket I get the chills and feel like vomiting. I have a classic case of Aviator-flu.

Beck and I have a new game…instead of Cletus it’s now Pope. Mini-Pope, Diet Pope, Pope with Splenda, New from Ron-Co the Pope Eel, Nacho Cheese Pope, Pope 2.0, How the Pope Stole Christmas, Pope-n-Cheese, Popes-r-Us, Pope-Mart, Pope Pox.

I’m sick of people falling in love. Get over yourselves already. You’re not cute, and you’ll break up before the expiration date on my pepperoni Hot Popet expires.

I’m sick of politics being so polarized. I can’t think you’re a dumbass because you are in fact a dumbass instead of which side of the aisle you stand on? In the last election Bush won by only a small margin. Which means a slight majority of Americans are dumbasses. To me, that percentage of American dumbasses seems far too low.

I sometimes wonder what kind of crazy old lady I’ll make. I hope I’m a feisty one. Who smokes cigars, swills booze from a flask, and chases people on her scooter. I’d play it off that I really couldn’t see very well, or know how to operate my scooter – but inside I’d be cackling – knowing I almost had those bitches diving for cover. I’d also give sound advice like: “Pull your head out of your ass!” or “I’m old, why do I give a shit about this – I can’t give a shit about anything! Pass the Metamucil!”

I hope I get enough fiber. I don’t want to blow out an o-ring; I hear they are spendy to replace.

I think there needs to be a band called Pedro and the Shit Bullets.

I want to start a new expression based upon something extremely vile that I said. Brevity and to keep it family friendly I’ll simply tell you the phrase – “Do you need me to Helen Keller that for you?” Spread the word.

Speaking of Spread – I hear Muffy’s Smorgasbord is amazing – and apparently old ladies at Byerlys in Burnsville have no idea of the copious amounts of slang for female anatomy, because a clerk asked “Muffy’s? That sounds good – where’s one located?”

I’m Queef – that’s my time, I’m outtie y’all.