[A shabby apartment that is sparsely decorated with furniture that looks like it was picked up at thrift shops or back alleys. Focus on a kitchen with cracked linoleum tiles and a dripping kitchen faucet. We see a man sitting at a small bistro style table facing the front door of the apartment as if he is waiting. To his left we can see an open window to a fire escape and that’s drizzling outside. It’s night and aside from the light over the kitchen sink, it’s dark in the apartment.]
The sound of a key in a lock. The front door opens. Enter Superman. He drops a briefcase by the door and slumps on the couch. Seemingly unaware of the figure sitting at the table.
BATMAN:
(softly) Hey.
SUPERMAN:
(surprised) Oh jeez. I didn’t think anyone else was home.
(nervously chuckles)
BATMAN:
Look outside.
SUPERMAN:
(questioningly) Ok?
BATMAN:
Do you see what it is? (pause) It’s night.
(pause and then dramatically) I AM THE NIGHT.
(pause and then dramatically) I AM THE NIGHT.
SUPERMAN:
Wow. You never really turn it off do you?
BATMAN:
(leaping up from his chair) WHERE IS SHE?
SUPERMAN:
Oh, umm…you know, I’m not sure. She’s not home?
BATMAN:
No.
SUPERMAN:
Well – I mean…last I saw her she was taking a bubble bath.
(Shudders and then softly to himself) a sexy sexy bubble bath.
(Shudders and then softly to himself) a sexy sexy bubble bath.
BATMAN:
What was that?
SUPERMAN:
What? Nothing.
BATMAN:
You saw her in the bath? (He steps closer)
SUPERMAN:
(Nervous) I mean…I assume she was taking a bath…I heard the water running. I would never use my x-ray vision to spy on her pale supple body as she rubbed the loofa all over her ample and perky breasts. (his voice cracks)
That would be an invasion of her privacy and gross misuse of my skills.
BATMAN:
(Steps closer, he’s right in Superman’s face now as if studying his face carefully. He accepts this explanation.)
Of course. An invasion of privacy.
(he begins to pace, but then halts as if he has just been struck by an idea.)
Wait a minute!
(He spins on his heel and points his finger very close to Superman’s face accusingly)
Has anyone ever told you that you look like that reporter guy…what’s his name?
SUPERMAN:
Peter Parker?
BATMAN:
No! Clark Kent!
SUPERMAN:
What? You think so? But that guy is so nerdy. He probably never gets any tail. While me, I can’t keep the women off me.
BATMAN:
What do you mean by that?
SUPERMAN:
I mean, have you seen this? (He flexes) I’m not like the earth guys. Women can’t help but swoon at my alien charms. It’s a taste of something different you see. The exotic. Not your every day average Joe.
BATMAN:
(Begins to sob)
SUPERMAN:
Whoa.
BATMAN:
Oh god! (uncontrollably crying he sits on the couch)
She’s cheating on me!
SUPERMAN:
What? No! She wouldn’t.
BATMAN:
She is!
SUPERMAN:
How do you know?
BATMAN:
(whimpering) I’m the night…
SUPERMAN:
Oh hey, buddy (he joins Batman on the couch attempting to comfort him he awkwardly
puts his arm around his shoulder and begins to pat him)
I don’t think she would cheat on you.
BATMAN:
Really?
SUPERMAN:
No! She’d be crazy to. I mean. You’re the night!
BATMAN:
(Stops crying and half-heartedly chuckles) Yeah. It’s just sometimes I can’t explain it. I just feel so insecure you know? And then one time, after we’d been…well how do I say this…intimate. We were just talking and cuddling, like you do… you know what I mean…the afterglow of it all…
SUPERMAN:
I do. Because I have had sexual intercourse with many Earth women.
BATMAN:
I was feeling extra tender. I was the little spoon. She really has strong arms. But then she started talking about how her parents had raised such a well-rounded child. And that’s when it hit me. Right in the feels button. My parents are DEAD! (Sobbing again)
SUPERMAN:
(Begins rocking Batman in his arms) There, there buddy. Let it out…let it all out.
BATMAN:
I sometimes think that’s why I have trust issues. Like, everyone I love is going to end up leaving me, or dying in some overwrought scheme by an evil henchman, or cheating on me – because who could ever love…AN INCREDIBLY WEALTHY ORPHAN! (more wild sobbing)
SUPERMAN:
Come on dude. You have to pull yourself together. That’s just crazy talk. Come on, she’ll probably walk through that door any minute now. She’s probably picking up dinner. You wouldn’t want her to see you like this would you?
BATMAN:
(Whimpering) No.
SUPERMAN:
So let’s get those tears dried.
(He pulls a hanky from some unexplained pocket and begins to dab tenderly under Batman’s cowl)
Who’s the night?
BATMAN:
(softly) I am.
SUPERMAN:
Say it like you mean it…
BATMAN:
I AM!
SUPERMAN:
(clamps the hanky over Batman’s nose)
Now give me a good blow.
BATMAN:
(Blows a wet slobbery snot into the hanky. He takes it from Superman and finishes wiping his nose)
You know? I feel better. (smiles)
At first I was against this idea…of working as a team…but I think it’s really going to be good for me. For the first time I feel like I am part of a…(his voice quavers it seems he may cry again)
SUPERMAN:
(Holds up his hand in a gesture to stop him)
BATMAN:
(Shakes his head as if he is powering through a tidal wave of emotions)
Family. (Big inhale of air)
Family. (Big inhale of air)
Woo! That feels good to say! A family!
(He begins to play with the hanky in his hand and absently inspect it)
SUPERMAN:
I’m proud of you buddy! We’ve had a real breakthrough here tonight!
BATMAN:
What the hell is this?
(He holds the hanky up and spreads it open for all to see – it’s a pair of blue underwear with white stars)
SUPERMAN:
(Nervous) Oh… heh heh…whoa…what is that?
BATMAN:
You utter bastard.
SUPERMAN:
I can explain…
BATMAN:
(Lunges at Superman and they begin to fight – knocking into the cheap furniture and splintering it in their wake)
Are you sleeping with her?
SUPERMAN:
Yes. I can say unequivocally that I am putting my alien probe in that hot Amazonian
rainforest.
BATMAN:
(Punches him square in the face and winces in pain shaking his hand)
The front door opens and a woman in a trench coat walks in flipping on the living room light. The pair stop fighting with Batman having Superman in a headlock freezing as he is midway through giving Superman a wedgie. The pair both stop to stare at the new arrival.
SUPERMAN:
(Sheepishly and while waving) Hey.
WONDERWOMAN:
Oh Jesus. I always assumed one of you was secretly gay…but just…wow.
BATMAN:
(Shoving Superman away)
We’re not gay!
SUPERMAN:
No way – I love the vergina.
BATMAN:
ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HIM?! (points to Superman)
WONDERWOMAN:
Did you just say vergina?
(Turning now to Batman) And did you really just accuse me of sleeping with HIM?
BATMAN:
YES! ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HIM?
WONDERWOMAN:
Eww. No. That guy has got to be a total virgin.
SUPERMAN:
Pff…as if…I am up to my eyeballs in so much vergina every night. You guys don’t even know. There's a squadron of poontang requesting permission to land on my man-ding strip every night!
WONDERWOMAN:
Yup. Total virgin.
BATMAN:
(Looks Superman up and down) How can you tell?
WONDERWOMAN:
You’ve never done the laundry have you? Can you honestly say you’ve ever met anyone
who beats off so much? I’m pretty sure if he doesn't crawl into bed juuuust right, his sheets shatter like a pane of yellowed glass!
who beats off so much? I’m pretty sure if he doesn't crawl into bed juuuust right, his sheets shatter like a pane of yellowed glass!
From the Fire Escape
SPIDERMAN:
Holy shit.
A flash bulb from the fire escape flares. The trio all turn to look out the window.
SUPERMAN:
How long have you been there?
SPIDERMAN:
Long enough to watch you two totally Fried Green Tomatoes out on the couch. I’m kind
of with her on this one, I figured at least one of you was closeted. My money was on the virgin.
of with her on this one, I figured at least one of you was closeted. My money was on the virgin.
BATMAN:
Ahh Christ.
SPIDERMAN:
Laters, dorks! (Swings off into the night)
WONDERWOMAN:
(sighs) I hate that guy.
(Turning back to Superman) Alright smart guy. If you’re having so much sex…where is
the g-spot?
BATMAN:
Don’t answer that.
WONDERWOMAN:
(Looks in disbelief at Batman)
BATMAN:
It’s a trick question.
WONDERWOMAN:
What?
BATMAN:
Everyone knows that’s a made up thing.
SUPERMAN:
Yeah. I was going to say that, but you didn’t let me finish.
The two pair up chuckling like little boys and elbowing each other.
WONDERWOMAN:
Oh for fuck’s sake.
(She takes out her golden lasso of truth and while the pair are joking they don’t really
notice what’s happening as she winds it around the pair of them)
notice what’s happening as she winds it around the pair of them)
SUPERMAN:
Ooh kinky! (he shivers)
BATMAN:
Holy shit dude – did you just…
SUPERMAN:
(looking sheepish and as if he is fighting the words leaving his mouth)
I made sticky…in my pants.
WONDERWOMAN:
Just WOW. So what was it you were saying? How much action are you getting?
SUPERMAN:
(Turning red as he fights the word in his mouth)
NNN…NNN….NONE!
WONDERWOMAN:
Have you even ever touched a boob?
SUPERMAN:
I put on your bra once and danced around to Madonna’s Vogue.
WONDERWOMAN:
I have to be honest, I was not expecting that, but that does explain why they get so
stretched out.
stretched out.
BATMAN:
Holy crap dude, and I thought I had issues. But - you had her underwear. You two
have to be sleeping together.
have to be sleeping together.
WONDERWOMAN:
So how exactly did you come to be in possession of my underwear?
SUPERMAN:
I like to sniff them. They’re like my kryptonite.
BATMAN:
Wait! I don’t understand? Your underwear are kryptonite? (To Wonderwoman)WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
WONDERWOMAN:
(Cuffs Batman on the back of the head) You idiot, he said they’re like his kryptonite.
(Turning to address Superman now)
Which is just dumb you realize…kryptonite is your kryptonite!
(She leaves the pair and heads to a back room)
BATMAN:
I still don’t get it…are they kryptonite or not?
SUPERMAN
(Softly weeps) I just want to be pretty.
BATMAN:
I don’t really get that either, but I think you’re pretty.
SUPERMAN:
You do?
BATMAN:
Yeah – I guess so. I mean…Lasso of Truth…guess I can’t make that shit up. I don’t want to have sex with you or anything...but I could see your attractive qualities and would even go so far to say as you’re pretty. In your own way. Plus if being an orphan has taught me anything, it’s that life is too short. You have to do what makes you happy. Even if what makes you happy is beating off a lot, and wearing some women’s underwear.
SUPERMAN:
(sniffs) Thank you. And you know, I’m not gay either. I just like how it feels to wear the
underwear. I am 100% straight. I’m just frustrated. I would, if given the chance, snap into a woman like a Slim Jim.
underwear. I am 100% straight. I’m just frustrated. I would, if given the chance, snap into a woman like a Slim Jim.
BATMAN:
You do know - they look nothing like a Slim Jim down there?
SUPERMAN:
Actually, no. I’ve never seen one up close.
BATMAN:
Even with the x-ray vision?
SUPERMAN:
I mean I’ve tried, but they kind of look like shark brains from that point of view.
BATMAN:
Yeah I suppose. I’ve got some magazines you could borrow.
SUPERMAN:
THEY HAVE THAT IN MAGAZINES?
BATMAN:
How do you NOT know that? But yeah - you should check it out.
WONDERWOMAN:
(Returning with a bag of her things.)
BATMAN:
Ooh – hey, are you going to pick up dinner by any chance? I really work up an appetite
after a good cry.
SUPERMAN:
Me too!
WONDERWOMAN:
Am I getting dinner? NO! I’m leaving. This is crap. I thought we could all live together and fight crime. And I thought we could maybe save a little on rent. And sure, I thought, why not bang the wealthy orphan? A girl needs a release once and a while, and because, let’s be honest the boy-scout won’t know where to put it. Am I right?
SUPERMAN:
It’s true. I would have no idea what to do with your shark brain parts.
WONDERWOMAN:
But I end up doing all the laundry, and making dinner, or getting dinner, and you know what I get out of this relationship? PUBES! It’s like you’re molting them! And you leave the seat up. And then I fall in…and why do you even bother putting the seat up because you miss anyway? And then it’s the questions! THE NEVER ENDING QUESTIONS – Where is my baterang? Where is my grappling hook? Where is the butter? And the answer, shockingly enough, is the refridgerator… for all of those things. Why is that? IT MAKES NO SENSE!
BATMAN:
I sleep walk. And snack. I am the night.
WONDERWOMAN:
Why don’t you get a utility belt for that shit?
BATMAN:
For the butter?
WONDERWOMAN:
(makes an agonized groan in frustration)
BATMAN:
Actually that’s a pretty good idea. Then I might finally put that toaster to use in the
Batmobile, because otherwise it’s like – who wants dry toast? That’s just gross.
SUPERMAN:
It’d be like butter whenever you wanted. (he starts to giggle) or lube.
BATMAN:
(also giggles)
The front door slams Wonderwoman has left.
BATMAN:
Damn. I never got to find out if she ever cheated on me.
The front door opens. She returns
WONDERWOMAN:
I forgot my lasso. (She starts to untie them)
And one more thing… I never cheated on you.
BATMAN:
Really?
WONDERWOMAN:
No. Well…not technically. Remember when we were on a break? When you were trying to “find yourself” in the Himalayas? I totally got drunk once and had sex with The Flash.
BATMAN:
Oh man, that guy is such a tool!
WONDERWOMAN:
(Wistfully) Yeah. He really was. And can you say minute man? And good god…the rug
burn…that’s when I started wearing the boots over the knee.
BATMAN:
I had wondered about that.
WONDERWOMAN:
Yup.
There is an awkward silence while they all look at each other.
WONDERWOMAN:
This just isn’t working for me.
BATMAN:
I gathered.
WONDERWOMAN:
It doesn’t mean we have to stop fighting crime together…
BATMAN:
No sure…totally…crime…
(he sways on his heels and scratches behind his head)
…maybe we could get coffee sometime?
WONDERWOMAN:
(Pressing her fingers to his lips to shush him)
It’s a little soon for that. Let’s just keep it professional…and maybe in time…
They look at each other fondly for a moment. Neither of them saying anything but knowing this
is the end. Their attention is drawn to a the Ficus in the corner that is violently shaking back and forth while Superman stands behind it.
WONDERWOMAN:
He’s beating off again.
BATMAN:
Yeah.
WONDERWOMAN:
You might want to consider hiring a laundry service…oh and probably slip covers, I mean
the furniture wasn’t great to begin with…but it makes for easier cleaning…
BATMAN:
Oh totally…
She leans in to kiss him on the cheek.
BATMAN:
(whispers) I love you.
WONDERWOMAN:
(whispers) I know.
(To Superman) See ya around, Clark!
(she waves as she exits)
SUPERMAN:
Bye!
BATMAN:
I FUCKING KNEW IT!
2 comments:
Yes! This!!!!
I'm looking forward to the sequel
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