I did "Yoga"

Hey guys...I did yoga last night and I'm really sore this morning. I'll explain in a minute, but as is my way there is a build up first.

The 2017.

It's coming to an end. I don't really know where this year went, but it's nearly done. 2017 wasn't a horrible year. I feel like it made me numb. Like it blew past, but a lot of it was a blur.

I always have a desire to be more mindful. To mark this passage of time more purposefully.

At the end of the year, in typical fashion, I always reflect on what I want the focus for the next year to be. One year it was reading more. I did. I read like 25 books that year. That was huge for me. I read like .5 the year prior. Then one year I wanted to focus on saving money. At the end of the year I had like 3,000 unaccounted for dollars in my savings account. That was a fun Christmas. I'm not great at keeping these focuses going. Don't ask me about my savings this year or how many books I read, but they were still goals and were achieved, and I have moments of proudness. I stuck to a thing...this one time...

Side Note: Last year my goal was to communicate more via gifs. 

Hey! 

Trump had just been elected; I started a new job. 

I knew I was only going to be able to handle so much "new" in 2017. 

I still think I crushed that goal.

via GIPHY

I haven't decided what to focus on for 2018 yet. I have a desire to be more creative...write, paint, quilt...something. I have a desire to get back in the fitbit habit. I want to cook healthier. Meditate. Make yoga a more than a once every 2 years habit. 

You know, your standard New Year New Me bull hockey that goes nowhere three days into the new year. 

So there is a website I found out there called Body Positive Yoga. I don't know how I found it initially, but I must have subscribed to a newsletter or something because I get e-mails from the instructor Amber once in a while. I do like her. She has a body like me! And she does yoga! And I read her e-mails and I am like, "yeah! Yoga...some day I'm gonna do that." 

She had a webinar about doing yoga in the body you have today. I like the sound of all of that. So I went to the webinar. And I was super inspired. At the end of the webinar she sends out some of her videos to try and a schedule to start a yoga practice at home.

"What the hell," says I. "Let's do it!".

Confession time. In news surprising no-one, I have body and self-esteem issues. WHAT?! I know! So the body positive yoga really spoke to me. I want to be mindful and grateful for the body I have, but my body and I haven't been on good terms since like 4th grade when she sprouted boobs on me one weekend and I was like, "Wtf body? Not cool man." 

Allow me to set the scene further. It is late. My husband has gone to bed. I load the yoga videos on my kindle and spot some real-estate by the fireplace. Now our fireplace is on the backside of the house next to the large patio door that looks out into a swamp. It's late at night, but I have such horrible body image issues, I decide to do yoga in the dark. 

You know, on the off chance the Creature from the Black Lagoon is striding by my backyard patio window and might see a fat lady doing yoga in my house.

via GIPHY

What happens next is kind of a blur it happened so fast, but feels like it happened so very slowly. I think I tripped on my pants? Or my body, sensing it's impending doom at being forced into doing something physical, was like, "aw hell naw" and just shut down the walking centers of my brain because I fell over for no discernable reason.

And it's one of those slow falls. Where your brain can have a nice long dialog with you.

Me: Something not right?

Brain: We're falling.

Me: How doing?

Brain: no time! Engage all engines to re-stabilize.

Me: Why happen to me?

Brain: Pump your legs damn you! If you want to catch yourself, there is still a chance but we have to act now and together! Pull up!

Me: I throw kindle?

Brain: What? Just...no

Me: Weee! Knees smash carpet now. Floppy flop plop!

Brain: Well she's given up...it's too late now...

Me: Drag knuckles down fireplace brick?

Brain: Do whatever you want. Your life is in your own hands now. I quit.




This is an actual simulation of what it looked like had you been in my swamp wearing night vision goggles and looking in my patio window...

via GIPHY

Now if you look at that simulation and you're thinking, "Wait - you fell down stairs?" No. Oh no. I just fell over on a perfectly flat surface, as is my nature. Stairs? That's easy. Any fool can stumble down a flight of stairs, and lord knows I've had my share of those dalliances with lady gravity as well, but it takes real finesse to do that shit on level-ground.

I am now prone on the floor, my glasses askew, and laughing so hard no noise is coming out. I can't stop laughing.

I finally get my giggle fits under control and think, "Ok, pull yourself together and do some of this dignified yoga and mindfulness stuff."

I roll on to my side and hear this loud drawn out and piercing "Wheeeeee-hoooooo" noise. 

I have managed to roll myself on top of a dog toy.

The giggle-fest continues anew.

At this point, my butthole joins the conversation...

BH: Hey! We heard from brain you want to do yoga. Is that true?

Me: Yes. Calm and restorative yoga.

BH:
via GIPHY

Me: Wait, what? No!

But it's too late. My butthole unloads like a nice 8-10 second butt cheek clapping fart. Like normally this stuff happens when flexing or bending over, but apparently, my body is like -

Body: May Day! May Day - all hell has broken loose Sarge. Normally we wait to do this, but let's be honest, this is as close as she's gotten to yoga in like 18 months - it's now or never.

Brain: She's dead to me. Do what you want.

Body: Yay!

via GIPHY

The uncontrollable crying laughter begins again.


So how does this end?  With me rolling on the carpet over a dog toy farting? No! Well...yes...all of that did happen, but it doesn't end there.

I actually did do the 5-minute beginner yoga video. Which is good. Had I tried to do 7 minutes my body may have spontaneously combusted.

Body: 1
Joanna: 0

However, I did yoga. Then I blogged about it.

I did two things...this one time in 2017...

via GIPHY