It Burns!

Yesterday I accidentally saw myself naked in the bathroom mirror.

Once I discovered the Michelin Man had not broken into my apartment



I knew something must be done. Not just to smooth out the edges - but seriously, I'm not healthy. I know I'm not. I've eaten crap my whole life and much preferred to sit and ponder the existance of dandylions. All that sittin and pondering while eating cheetos has caught up with me.

Ages ago when I was in High School and had a body complex I remember liking to exercise and losing weight. Ok that was a lie. I've never liked to exercise. But I really like showering when I am done exercising!

About a month ago I purchased that "Biggest Loser" workout DVD. Apparently purchasing and putting it on top of my DVD player does not make you lose weight.

So since I saw my naked form I now realized I had to pop that little puppy in the DVD player. Apparently I have to work out six times a week. Cardio one day - sculpt the next.

I've done the whole exercise at home thing before. I have the Jane Fonda VHS's to prove it. I come from a long line of home exercisers. My mother will be contacted by the Smithsonian for her collection someday.

What I've hated about all of them was skinny people with ripped abs leaping about proclaiming, "Can you feel that burn?! I know I can!" said through pearl white teeth and ruby red lipstick.

It's lies! ALL LIES! I know you're not feeling the burn because you said that in a conversational tone with no weezing. You're not even glistening you bitch! Unless you had your sweat glands surgically removed I know you are NOT feeling the burn. Don't tell me otherwise.

I also never liked the fact that they all knew what was coming next. You know they rehearsed their little dance of my personal shame for weeks before they taped it. Thus it's polished. And I have no idea what they are doing and end up marching in place - flinging my arms out on occasion and clapping, cuz that's what I think they are doing.

"We're going to side step and cross back into a lunge. Ready? Great! That was easy!"

No it wasn't! I don't even know what you just said let alone what you just did.

"Lie on your stomach now...drop your head to not strain your neck. Now pulse!"

I'm now getting carpet tred marks on my face - how can I watch you on the video?

It's all an elaborate fat girl shaming ritual - I know it! Those bitches were giggling when they were choreographing their devil dvd's imaging what the Michelin girl would look like with carpet patterns pressed into her forehead.

I am heartened by this DVD however. Chubbies such as myself. Sweating, grunting, stumbling around. When they feel the burn I believe them because the vein on their neck is popping out.

I've also now learned you can modify jumping jacks! You have no idea how wonderful this news is to a big boobied girl! Here I was waiting for the first sports bra constructed of metal girders. Instead I can just modify them! GO ME! (Imagine two grapefruits in socks flapping around - and you know the boobie girls peril!).

I'm two for two. Four more days to go. If I actually stick through this for six days I may actually shat my pants with glee!

I am feeling the burn. Sunday night I was limping around feeling like someone had just repeatedly ass punched me. Today I feel a dull ache under my ribs. I think my lone ab has retreated up under my rib cage to avoid the fury and is now just whimpering like a tiny purse dog caught in the rain.

But man those showers did feel good.